One day at a time

Minister Bolduc is on the right track... I think!

2009-10-01T23:33:00.005-04:00

Hockey season is in full swing and my taxi duties have resumed. Both boys are playing double letter hockey this year. It should be interesting... Mathieu is into his 2nd month of high school... So far, so good. Rich is in secondary IV and is (mostly) mature beyond his years. Something for which I am at times grateful, and other times worried.

I spent a few days in Quebec City this week. I volunteered to help the Colorectal Cancer Association of Canada as they were organising a parliamentary breakfast in the National Assembly to promote awareness for colorectal cancer, the need for a screening program and 3rd line indication treatment. I met the wife of a local celebrity - Boule Noire - who died of colorectal cancer the same year as Tony. We shared stories... It was tiring and fueling couple of days. I met interesting people and hope to help the association put together an event in the West Island of Montreal to promote awareness. If all goes well, the event will happen during colorectal cancer awareness month, in March 2010. All that needs to happen between now and then is for me and you to raise the required funds, i.e. $20,000 or so. (Anyone wishing to sponsor or donate, please don't be shy...)

Honestly, I went to Quebec City hoping that the Minister of Health (who was one of the speakers) would announce the province's new colorectal cancer screening program. It didn't happen... However, Minister Bolduc seemed quite supportive of our cause and noted that he wanted to ensure that proper testing guidelines were in place before any program was launched and that they had to ensure that health institutions and centres were properly equipped and prepared to perform an increasing number of colonoscopies without insufferable delays. This is a good thing... As long as these problems are addressed without any further delay... Time wil tell! For now, I will give Minister Bolduc, the time to sort these things out. No sense in getting a positive screening test result and not be able to get a colonoscopy for 12 to 48 months (depending on where you live). If that were the case you'd be better off not knowing!

So for now... We'll let our friend Mr Bolduc figure these things out. But we will be keeping an eye on the situation and will certainly not forget about the need for a province-wide screening program.

Well, there I go again... getting carried away. I really must go to bed. Hope I haven't put you all to sleep with all the ranting...

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. I've actually already bought my first Christmas gift!!! Now let's just hope it'll keep 'til Xmas!

Maine was Great!!!

2009-08-18T23:11:00.009-04:00

Believe it or not, 14 people (8 adults and 6 kids; mostly teens) in one house wasn't that bad! The house was 3-stories high with 6 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. It was busy at dinner time; we all enjoyed our veggies and dips and a bowl of chips or two... Greg outdid himself again and amazed us all with his pork tenderloin and special sauce. Everyone chipped in and did what they could! We had one rainy day and went shopping - we shopped til we dropped, basically! Thank God it only rained for one day!!! Annie and the boys enjoyed the beach. They all threw the baseball, played pétoncle (boce), rode the waves. Mathieu and Benoit went crab fishing. That was exciting - the crabs were biting... Mathieu's fingers. We walked the Marginal Way, had dinner at Barnacle Billy's, visited the Candy Store and spent too much in Kittery! Now! That's a vacation! No?!

Above and below are some pics of our trip....

That's it for now...

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. The article that appeared in Canadian Living magazine 18 months ago has been re-publish in the Reader's Digest magazine's September edition which is out on newstands now.

More photos...

2009-08-05T21:28:00.002-04:00

Weekend at the Rouge River

2009-08-03T09:49:00.005-04:00

A good time was had by all. The weather held up; at least until Sunday... Which meant the boys did not get to go tubing, water-skiing or fishing at my cousin's. They did, however, play almost 8 hours of NASCAR monopoly! There is life without computers and the X-Box - who knew?!

I took a few a photos. I hope you'll enjoy them!!

More photos to come shortly...

Take good care!

Renée

Luke has arrived!

2009-07-26T21:46:00.007-04:00

Friday's at Wild Willy's
(Home-made Ice Cream Parlor on Lakeshore Drive)

Sunday Afternoon BBQ with Friends and Family

Stéphanie looking good!

Maya looking pretty

Marie-Claude and Sharon enjoy the afternoon

Luke cooling off

Master BBQer Richard

Sharon, Linda, Huguette and Marie-Claude enjoying the day

Richard, Luke, Mat, Maya, Valerie and Antoine enjoying a BBQ dinner by the pool

Two years later...

2009-06-15T22:58:00.005-04:00

Two years ago on this date, I wrote on this blog "Having a nightmare and can't wake up!". I have been fortunate in this difficult journey to be surrounded by very supportive friends and family, and to have an employer and co-workers who are kind and compassionate. Without them, I would most likely be in pieces. The nightmares come and go... And you just never know when they will be back. I guess this is a particularly difficult time as the anniversary of Tony's death is just two days away. That, coupled with the fact that everywhere you turn there's ad and talk about father's day... Tony passed away on father's day. I can't help but wonder how the boys feel about that. I'm almost afraid to ask! Yes, its true... I'm afraid to ask! I should be ashamed. ONE DAY AT A TIME. I must always remember and never forget. Anything more can, at times, be overwhelming.

On a positive note, Mathieu will be graduating from primary school. The graduation ceremony is this coming Thursday, June 18th. FYI, primary school ends after grade 6 in Québec. High school actually starts in grade 7, or what we call Secondary 1. I am quite proud on Mathieu... He has worked very diligently in the last few months to bring up his grades; working with tutors 4 to 5 times a week. This year was not easy for him... but he - like his father - is a tough guy and won't let FAP slow him down. FÉLICITATIONS Mathieu!!!! Je t'aime.

Tony would be very proud of both his sons. They have come through these first two very difficult years during which we have lived through many turbulent times - mourning, moving, surgery, teenage hormones, etc. - and have grown and mature into fine young men. A fine tribute to their Dad! He would be so proud!

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

2009-05-10T23:43:00.003-04:00

Just back from 5 days in Toronto; 3 of which were spent in workshops with people associated with the Colorectal Cancer Association of Canada (CCAC). I am hoping to become a Cancer Coach... Although, I must admit that after spending some time with all of these amazing people, I'm not quite sure if I'm up to the task. Most of the people I met are cancer survivors or their caregivers, as well as the wonderful staff from the CCAC. I know Tony would want me to do this, however, if I'm going to do this, I want to do it right and make him proud. I might need a few weeks to digest all of this information and determine what is the best course of action for me to take that will have most impact and be of most use. For now, I will share with you some facts that I hope you will keep in mind and share with friends and loved ones... At the very least, you will be better informed and, at best, you could save a life!

colorectal cancer is the second-leading cause of cancer death in Canada;

an estimated 21,500 Canadians were diagnosed with colorectal cancer last year;

approximately 8,900 Canadians died from colorectal cancer in 2008;

if caught early, colorectal cancer has an over 90% cure rate;

risk factors include age (50 and over), family history of colorectal cancer, personal history of benign polyps or colorectal cancer, obesity, smoking, excessive alcohol consumption, poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, and inflammatory bowel disease (i.e. Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis).

SYMPTOMS OF COLORECTAL CANCER

The following symptoms MAY indicate colorectal cancer. See your doctor.

prolonged diarrhea or constipation

narrower-than-normal stools

blood in stool

loss of appetite, unexplained weight loss

feeling that the bowel does not completely empty

constant fatigue, anemia

nausea, vomiting

abdominal pain or discomfort.

One of the problems in dealing with this disease is that people are not comfortable talking about their bowel movements with their doctors. Please don't let that stop you!! Remember, your Doctor has seen and heard it all and is there to help you. If you are 50 years old or over and have not yet had a colonoscopy, in Tony's memory, please call your doctor now, and book an appointment. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure - and then some....

Take good care!

Renée

Spring break comes to an end...

2009-03-08T23:29:00.006-04:00

This time last year!!!

The boys were off last week. I took a few days off but we didn't do too much. Mathieu came shopping with me and decided he wanted to bake a cake. And so he did. It was delicious, but way too much cake for just us. Rich was invited to Andrew's cottage and actually did some downhill skiing for the first time. Apparently he looked like a pro. He just loved it! Mathieu played shinny hockey at the arena and also played on the outside rink. He quite enjoyed it and there were many kids there which made it even more fun.

I am still training in my new position at work. I can't wait to know everything I need to know and feel more comfortable in what I'm doing. A new job is quite draining. I'd forgotten. I have a bit of a cold so I should be off to bed. But, with having moved the clocks ahead today, I'm a bit confused... Not to mention that I slept in 'til 2:20 pm (which was in fact only 1:20).

Better be off now. I have an early doctor's appointment and then off to the dentist with Rich before I go into to work... No rest for the wicked!!!

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. We've book a house in Maine for one week this summer. It'll be great...

Happy Birthday!

2009-02-17T00:08:00.005-05:00

Well, believe it or not, February 17th is both my mother's and my mother-in-law's birthday. I would like to take this opportunity to wish them both a very happy birthday and let them know how much they are loved and appreciated. The world just wouldn't be the same without you.

Jean, you gave birth to my wonderful husband, the father of my children. This allowed me to live a life that I wouldn't even have dared wish for... He made me very happy and gave me two beautiful boys and you made that all possible for me. I will be eternally grateful.

Mom, although we have had our moments, you have always been there for me. You gave me birth and stood by me throught thick and thin... and always made me feel special. You taught me that men and women are equal and that the world was mine to conquer. Thank you!

I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's day...

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

I Survived Mat's 12th Birthday Party!!!

2009-01-18T23:10:00.002-05:00

For those of you wondering... yes, I did survive Mathieu's birthday party! I had 13 kids at the party Friday night and 10 slept over. I have to admit I had my mom and some girlfriends over as well for moral support and might have indulged in a glass of wine... Everyone had fun and no one overslept!

As for Mathieu's appointment at the surgical clinic; believe it or not, I showed up 24 h late. The appointment was scheduled for Wednesday. Obviously, I did not transcribe it properly when I bought my 2009 agenda. Luckily, our surgeon was nice enough to see us anyway - after everyone who actually showed up on the right day. Mathieu is doing just fine.

He will be seeing the dermatologist in February to confirm that he still needs a mole removed. He has small birthmark-like spot in the back of the neck and she seems to think that it has grown in the last year. Because he is a higher risk for skin cancer, she wanted it removed last summer when they removed his colon. Mathieu was worried that he would have pain in the back of his neck and his belly and wouldn't be comfortable on his back or any other way so we decided to postpone that procedure. They will likely remove the mole during his next scope as they scope him under general anasthesia.

We have a busy week ahead. Mat's in a hockey tournament and will be playing both Tuesday and Thursday night. Both boys have a training session at the gym tomorrow night and Rich might have hockey on Wednesday. I haven't looked as far as Friday yet... it'll come soon enough.

I actually prepared dinner tonight. It was past 7 pm when we ate, but it was the first home prepared meal in a week. Tomorrow's dinner is practically done already, so things are looking up!

I thought of Tony quite a lot this weekend. He passed away 19 months ago yesterday. It still seems surreal. I wonder what advise he'd have for me now!? I feel a bit lost and empty. And I'm not quite sure how to fix it! Time!!! I know... But I'm not that patient. I guess I'll have to learn to be and but on a brave smiling face in the meantime.

Well that's it for now!

Take good care...

Renée

Just Beautiful...

2009-01-15T12:15:00.000-05:00

A few more photos... What a place!

You might be wondering what I'm doing up so late on a school night?! Well, I'm waiting on Rich coming back from his first real concert at the Bell Centre... His friend's mom just called to say they were on their way. I'm still going to wait til he walks through the door.

Mat and I are at the surgical clinic tomorrow for a follow-up. The frustrating thing about the clinic is that it only runs for a half day, but everyone's appointment is for 10:10 am. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing? I have yet to decide if we'll go early or late. If we're early and have to wait any length of time, it usually costs me as we sit in front of the Café. But, there is always the off chance that we could be first... Hopefully it will go well.

Mat's birthday party is scheduled for this Friday. I'll let you know how that goes!

Well, that's it for now. I'll get ready for bed so that I can turn in as soon as Rich arrives.

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. Sandee, you are in my thoughts - and you are my inspiration! God bless...

A Walk in the Park

2009-01-11T20:36:00.007-05:00

Hello everyone! I hope the new year brings you good health and laughter! The boys and I came back from Belfast last Wednesday. Our trip was great. Mathieu actually wanted to stay. They put on quite a welcome for us! We met many friends and family members and are very thankful to everyone for making our stay so pleasant. I have no idea what I was so worried about!!!

I wanted to share some photos with you. I took a walk in the Botanical Gardens next to Michele's house and was just absolutely entranced by the greenest of it all in the middle of winter!

That's it for now...

Take good care!

Renée

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T10:40:00.003-05:00

Sitting in my sister-in-law's dinning room last night, I was happy to realize that I would be welcoming 2009 even earlier because I'm in Belfast. Our visit has been just great so far... No rain, just lots of humidity/dampness. We went to see the Belfast Giants, did a bit of shopping. I went for walk and took some lovely pictures on the Botanical Gardens next to Michele's. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to download the photos yet...

Oh! I must tell you this, our trip started with a bang!! We were bumped to 1st class on the way to London. I actually stretched out full length and slept most of the way. The boys were way too excited... Rich caught up on some sleep yesterday... He slept 17 hours straight. Must be growing again - or severely jetlagged!

I hope everyone is keeping well! I look forward to seeing you all soon!

Take good care!

Renée

I'm back...

2008-12-16T23:16:00.002-05:00

Sorry my friends... Its been busy around here! My outting on December 3rd was fun. I have been trying to get ready for the Holidays in the last few weeks. But, for some reason, I can't quite seem to get into it; the spirit, that is... I brought up our artificial tree over a week ago and the box is still sitting on the floor in the corner of the living room. Mat and Rich have been quite busy making their wish list on the computer (they include photos to make sure I pick the right item). Unfortunately, Mat's list changes daily and keeps growing.

While they are forecasting 15 cm of snow for tomorrow, Rich has a tournament game scheduled in Laval at 9 pm. The team has to be there 60 minutes ahead of the game and the game last 90 min. Hopefully the snow plows will be working overtime during the day tomorrow. Luckily for me, I really enjoy watching him play. He played last Sunday and scored the most beautiful goal!

Two more work days, and I'm off 'til the 2009! I plan on catching up on some sleep... If I can get my shopping done quickly that is... Although, knowing me, there's not much chance of my shopping being done before the 24th. There's always an extra little thing to buy...

Well, that's it for now...

Take good care!

Renée

It's Snowing and December is Almost Here!!!!

2008-11-30T22:03:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone! Hope you're all doing well. It's been a busy weekend and I'm still recovering from a sinus infection. The boys both had hockey and Mathieu also had a soccer tournament at school today. They played five games (indoor games - so its not as long as a regular game; but still) and won the finals. Mathieu, the team goalie, actually scored the last goal of the tournament. Now the coach owes him lunch at McDonalds. Poor guy, he has no idea that Mat can at for $20 at McDs.

I can't believe there are only 24 shopping days left. I had started with a bang... But haven't really done much since early November. Maybe the snow that's presently falling will help put everyone in a more Xmasy mood.

This coming Wednesday will mark my 15th wedding anniversary and the anniversary of Tony's diagnosis - 4 years ago. I've already made plan for a sitter and am going out to a Beattles night at a local restaurant bar with some friends. I didn't think it was a good idea to stay home that night. Better to be surrounded with friends and noise. I'll let you know how it goes.

Well, that's it for now. Please keep in touch.

And, take good care!

Renée

Feeling like a chicken with its head "cut off"

2008-11-20T00:32:00.002-05:00

Tonight Mathieu's hockey team played a brilliant hockey game. I so enjoy watching my boys play; in that sense I guess I'm lucky (otherwise it would make for long games). Tomorrow I'll be doing double duty; work, meet Mat's teachers, appointment with my psy, go order dinner for the boys, pick up Mat's football equipment and drop it off, meet Rich's teachers, then (hopefully) dinner. I know it must be weird me listing all of this, but it makes me feel better... I read and say, no! I'm not crazy... that's a lot of stuff to do!

I've begun my Xmas shopping. But, you know what, I think the early you start, the more you buy... and the more you spend! So much for trying to be organized. I just can't believe how fast the Holidays are approaching. Its a bit scary!! I'm not sure why; I guess I just remember the catatonic state I was in last year and panic.

Well, my mom's coming for a visit this weekend. It should be nice. I think Mathieu enjoys having people visit - especially when he can talk them into giving him money. I think I've created a monster.

Should my friend Sylvie read this, "J'pense à toi".

That's it for now...

Take good care!

Renée

Hello Again!

2008-11-10T22:58:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. Richard is the one who told me I should update my blog. He's so sensible that one... He certainly doesn't get that from me.

The boys' football season has come to an end and with it comes a bit of reprieve for me. I no longer have to drive them each to 2 or 3 practices a week or attend games that took up both Saturday and Sunday afternoon. We only have hockey for now. Don't get me wrong; the boys really enjoyed their football season and so it wasn't even a question of doing it or not... Its just nice to get a bit more time for the regular stuff - cooking, groceries, housecleaning, laundry. Gosh, I never thought I ever say anything like that. Oh well... I have had to readjust since Tony passed away. He was such a great help around the house. But I feel that things are getting better; I don't feel quite as overwhelmed as I did just a few months ago. I'm sure Rich will be pleased. He's so much like his dad in that he loves everything to be in its place. You gotta love him. Mathieu and I on the other hand, did not inherit the "tidy gene". Poor Rich.

The boys and I will be travelling to Belfast to see Tony's family in December. Rich and Mat are very much looking forward to it - as am I. I think it will bring things "full circle" for me in terms of grieving. Its a big step... Going back to his beginning. Some days I think it will be wonderful, and other days I'm scare that it will be too sad. I guess there is no sense in worrying about it - whatever happens is going to happen and worrying ahead of time won't change a thing! Sorry - I'm getting phylosophical.

I've been trying to get back to the gym so that I can look and feel my best for the Holidays. Its a struggle, but I'm determined. Only 25 lbs to go... Ouch! One day at a time. I'm back at work and have started training for a new position which will allow me to work part-time (3.5 days a week). That's about all I can handle right at this time.

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Terry Fox Run for Tony

2008-09-15T23:23:00.002-04:00

The Terry Fox Run was quite a success thanks to all our friends at Enbridge. Your efforts and participation are above and beyond the call of duty and a true demonstration of your affection and regard for "Richard" - as you knew him. I am very touched and am sure Tony would be at a loss for words. Thank you!

Well, as I'm back at work tomorrow... off to bed I go.

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. Congrats Hazel! All the best to you and your hubby...

Enbridge Rafter's Runners

2008-09-10T00:46:00.006-04:00

Hello Everyone;

Although this is late notice, I wanted to let you all know that Enbridge, along with myself and some friends and family will be participating in the Terry Fox Run/Walk again this year. If you are interested in participating or donating please see the Terry Fox Run website and look for the Enbridge Rafter Runners (http://www.terryfoxrun.org/english/terry%20fox%20run/run%20site%20listings/qc/default.asp?s=1). We will be at the Pointe-Claire location this coming Sunday, September 14th at 10 am.

Hope to see you all there.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Hello Everyone...

2008-08-11T22:07:00.003-04:00

I know! ... it's been a while since my last post. Things are moving along. Mathieu is doing much better and getting stronger every day. Richard now towers over me... And both are busy with their sports. We took a short vacation last week with my sister and her family. It was nice to get away. Of course, it would have been much nicer if the rain had stayed away...but we still managed to do some fun stuff.

I had to empty the locker I had rented to store stuff when I staged my old house to put it up for sale. So now, in addition to the few boxes I had yet to unpack from the move... I now have quite a few other boxes to unpack. I just can't seem to find the energy or motivation to get to them... There's always something else that needs to be done. Well, I guess I should do it in baby steps; one box at a time (or a day). The task may not seem quite as daunting that way I guess. (As you can probably detect, I'm not quite convinced yet.) Well, no rush, I guess.

I hope you are all enjoying the summer months.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Happy Canada Day!

2008-07-02T01:00:00.003-04:00

We were home on a pass Saturday afternoon and got to sleep in our own beds. The surgeon called Sunday morning and discharged Mathieu over the phone. Safe for a few distressing moments on Sunday night, things are going well.

Sunday afternoon, we joined my Mom's family - what was left of the crowd - for an afternoon at the cottage. Everyone from far and wide (Toronto, Winnipeg, Ottawa, etc.) had gathered for dinner the night before and there were a few left to visit with on Sunday. Mathieu was in the water splashing around and I had to hold him back because he too wanted to play football. He has lost a bit of weight, but will no doubt gain some back now that he can eat.

We saw the fireworks this evening - in celebration of Canada Day. Mathieu spent most of the evening at the park and was exhausted when I joined him. Richard had gone to join the festivities in another municipality and I picked him up to join us for the celebrations in our own municipality. We saw many of our friends and enjoyed the fireworks.

Looking forward to a bit of calm and relaxation tomorrow.

Well, that's it for now...

Take good care!

Renée

He's looking better every day!

2008-06-26T09:51:00.003-04:00

Good morning everyone. We've started our day here on a positive note. They stopped the suction on Mathieu's NG tube at dinner time yesterday and he got through the night and is still fine. No nausea, no vomitting, no bloating... looks like they'll be taking the tube out at lunch! YEAH!!!! Then we move on to liquids, then semi-solids and gradually, solids. Keep your fingers crossed.

Mathieu is so hoping to make it to our family reunion this weekend. But that might be pushing it. I said we could go visit everyone later on...

Richard came to visit yesterday while I went home to take a shower. Thanks Rich, I love you! While I was out, Mathieu's godfather came by and brightened his day! Thanks for that Sylvain.

I wanted to wish my little sister good luck with her move today. Sorry I can't be there to help - I definitely would be there if I could. You've always been there for me.

Mom, get better soon (she's home with a bad cough).

Well, as Mathieu's gotten bored with the other computer, I will go join him in a game of something. Maybe I'll even get to squeeze in a coffee. That's it for now...

Take good care!

Renée

Brighter days ahead - I'm sure

2008-06-25T09:20:00.004-04:00

Well, the NG tube is still in and Mathieu is dreaming of his first bite and the restaurants he'll visit as soon as we get out of here. So far we're going to Jack Astors, La Belle province, McDonalds, Taco Bell, Dairy Queen, and we've only just begun. From the visit we had with the doctors this morning, it looks as though the tube will be in at least for another 24 hours. So no drinks (or food) til then.

The night before last, Mathieu's IV had to be changed; it was no longer working properly as it had been in for over 6 days. Well, it took 6 tries before they finally got a good one going. And, that one gave out yesterday morning and they had to put a new one in again. Luckily, they got it the first time around.

He still gets bouts of nausea and diziness every once now and again; but he really hasn't eaten or drank in a week. With the pain medication and everything else, I suppose that is to be expected. They are feeding him electrolytes and lipids via his IV so that he can keep his strength up. He is walking and sitting, playing XBox, channel surfing and watching movies.

Yesterday, we had some nice surprise visits. Our friend Gary came by to see Mathieu. That brought quite a smile to his face. Thanks Gary! Also, one of the football coaches from last year, John and his son Jake can by to see Mathieu. I think it made him feel special. He's getting pretty tired of seeing my old face. Although he doesn't like me to go too far.

I think we're both looking forward to being back in our own bed and catching up on some sleep; or at least having an uninterupted night.

The sun is shining and, am sure, there are brighter days ahead.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. Mat & Pat: Mathieu has already asked when he can go to QC.

PP.S. Jean-Daniel et Camille: Mathieu a vraiment hate de pouvoir aller faire du tube...

You've got to laugh... Otherwise you'd cry!

2008-06-23T13:38:00.004-04:00

Would you believe that in the midst of everything that is going on, someone came into Mathieu's room while we were walking in the hallway and stole my wallet out of my purse. They didn't take my expensive purse, the digital camera or Blackberry that were inside. Only my wallet. I only had $40 or $50 in it... And my credit card was practically maxed out... But what a pain! Now I've had to cancel my credit cards, my debit card and will have to get new medicare cards, driver's license, etc. I guess that should keep me business...

Mathieu has had his ups and downs again over that last 24 hours. He has been walking and is trying to do his breathing exercises. He coughs which is good - however it is quite painful for him. The NG tube is still extracting quite a bit of fluid, but it is getting clearer. The nutrutionist came by this morning and they will be adding nutrients through his IV has he has only had a few bites in the last week. Mind you, his weight is only down 6 lbs and they took out his whole colon - I figure that must weigh a few pounds.

We've had a few visitors to help keep his spirits up. Of course, last week Linda was with me during the surgery and Luce visited a few days and even made me a lunch that lasted 3 days, and my forner neighbour and a good friend of the family, Mike - who works at the Children's - also came by. Nicole, Greg, Scott (above) and Annie came by for the weekend. The Covenys have been by on a few occasions with their gang. And, Francis and Michael from the soccer team came last week. This morning we had a nice surprise visit from Sdaos. Mathieu was really pleased to play XBox with Robbie (above) and I was very grateful to Jodie for the coffee.

Well, I have to run to the bank now... See if I can get any money out without my bank card!... And, I have to get some food for my other son... who is at home with no bread... Don't worry, there's plenty of other stuff; but they always seem to want something other than what's there, don't they.

I'm off again... I'll rent more movies for our movie marathon - if the bank lets me have any money that is...

That's it for now. Send positive energy our way. Our supply is running low!

Take good care!

Renée

Rocky road; but smoother ground ahead...

2008-06-22T15:48:00.002-04:00

It was a tempestuous weekend. Mathieu spiked a fever of over 39 on Friday afternoon and his abdomen was very tender and started being distended. The did blood tests and sent him for an x-ray. They thought it was either a blockage or a leak. The best thing to do was for Mathieu to get mobile... But he didn't want to. Finally, at 11:00pm they insert an NG (nasogastric) tube down his nose. This is hooke up to a machine that suctions the liquidsébile from his stomach. They needed with three nurses to do this while I held his hand. He wasn't a happy camper and told me that this was going to cost me big time. Such a negotiator. Over 3 cups of fluids were extracted in the first 12 hours.

Saturday afternoon, my sister Nicole came from Ottawa with Greg and the kids - Scott and Annie - and that was a very welcome diversion. I managed to go home to take a shower and brought Mathieu back his own pillows. When I came back he seemed determined. He told me that he had managed to stand by himself and had taken a short walk. He did not, however, want to do his breathing exercises. His fever spiked again around dinner time. But he told me he wanted to walk. I figured Greg or someone must have spoken to him because his attitude changed totally. Maybe the pain wasn't quite as bad. Friday they had unhooked the self-medication pump and stuff... I think it was a bit of a shock to the system.

He is much, much better today, as am I. We both slept better, I think... He has taken a walk and used the inspirometer for the breathing exercises. I told him that we would go for another walk when I finished blogging. His fever was slightly up again as was his pain; so I'll give the medication a bit of time so that it takes effect.

If I get home tomorrow, I'll try to post a photo or two. I figure a shower every 48 hours is not too much of a luxury.

So, I think we're on the path to recovery. Mathieu is very much looking forward to having the NG tube removed and being able to drink, if not eat. Though he may be a bit reluctant to eat at first; but you never know... Hopefully, if it stops draining fluids, they will remove it tomorrow.

That's it for now. I will keep you posted.

Take good care!

Renée

What a trooper!

2008-06-20T12:23:00.003-04:00

Mathieu took two steps yesterday and sat up most of the afternoon playing XBox. Rich came to visit while I went home for a much needed shower. The good news is that his new bowels are working, although we now have to work on his timing... He had his chicken broth for lunch and dinner, are popsicles and drank water and I ran out - on a special request - to get him a slush.

The doctors were doing their rounds when I told Mat that I was gonna go down and get a quick bite. He asked if I could bring him back something. I told him that he hadn't been given the okay to eat yet... so we asked and the Docs said yes. Mathieu made the Doctors wait while he made me a drawing of a pastry he'd seen at the café a few days ago... So, you see, he hasn't lost his appetite.

His friends Tristan, Francis and Michael came to visit with Sylvie and Shawn last night. It was great... Except for when they made him laugh, because that hurt his belly.

This morning they've taken away the morphine pump and the catheter, etc. So all he has left is the i.v. for liquids. This should be coming off as soon as he manages to pee on his own.

I was taking a sleeping pill to ensure that I was getting plenty of rest on the small convertible cot. But, I was informed by Mathieu that my snorring was keeping him up. Needless to say, I did not take my pill last night and, yes, I am quite tired. Thankfully, however, I believe that Mat did get a bit more sleep than I did.

I'm very much looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and making myself a real meal.Well, I have to go... Mathieu is down here with me in a wheelchair and is falling asleep at his computer. You can send him messages through this blog... I'm sure he'd love it.

That's it for now.

Take good care.

Renée

Slowly, but surely...

2008-06-19T09:52:00.005-04:00

We moved to a private room yesterday afternoon. That was a very positive change. We watched a bunch of movies, cause as Mathieu says, the stupîd TV's not worth crap. We managed to get him to roll on one side and then the other. After which he turned to me and said 'You owe me big time'. He'll be a great business man, politician or mobster! He knows how to capitalize on every possible situation.

He still has the morphine pump and the catheter in. He has been having popsicles with no difficulty. So, today, we'll try to get him sitting, if not right up and then they can remove the catheter. He is very afraid of feeling pain. Memories of seeing his father in the hospital probably still haunt him. But we're working through it.

Last night his big brother and Andrew came by to visit with my Mom. It was good. I think they were both quite happy to see each other. And Rich must've been relieved to see that Mathieu looked ok.

Well, I should get back. I came down to the library to get XBox games. Mathieu request 'violent ones with guns'. He knows I don' t allow those... I told him they probably don't have those in a Children's hospital.

That's it for now.

Take good care.

Renée

One day at a time - TAKE THREE

2008-06-18T10:59:00.002-04:00

All things considered, things went very well yesterday. Mathieu was quite calm going in and walked in to the surgery room all by himself. The surgery lasted 7 hours and was very successful. They did not need to do a temporary colostomy bag. Thank goodness for that!

We spent the night in the recovery room and were transferred to the floor at 5:30 am. Mathieu is now sharing a room next to the nursing station with a baby and finds it quite noisy. I've asked to have him transferred to a private room so there is a possibility that that might happen this afternoon. In the meantime with the anasthesia having worn off and the fact that he slept a good part of the night, he did not use the pump they gave him to self-medicate for pain. When I left him 5 minutes ago after having pressed the button over and over again, he seemed to be sleeping comfortably. Don't worry, the pump will only give him as much as he's allowed. The nurses and pain management team reassured him that he can press as much as he wants to.

Well, I'll get back to him now. This afternoon they're going to try to get him to sit. The next thing will be liquids - probably tomorrow.

That's it for now...

Take good care!

Renée

Here we go again...

2008-06-17T01:03:00.002-04:00

We were at the hospital for the pre-op prep today. I suppose it could have been worse, but I was hoping for flawless and was disappointed. My brave little man was great. He had a tube put down his nose to his stomach to infuse a liquid that helped clean out his bowel. Unfortunately, that made him nauseous and he kept spitting up bile. And the first attempt at inserting a needle for a blood test was unsuccessful and painful and had to be repeated. All the while the nurse and hospital educator were trying to walk us through everything that will happen on Tuesday, surgery day. Mathieu seemed at times bewildered but eventually - once the tube was removed - was much better; almost his old self.

We have to be at the hospital at 7:45am on Tuesday for admission. Then the nurse will do another sort of bowel preparation and the surgery is scheduled for 8:45. We are all hoping that there won't be too much of a stretch with the small bowel when they form the j-pouch reservoir, because if there is, they will need to put a temporary colostomy bag. This would mean another surgery in appox. 2 months and Mathieu would wake up with a tube down his nose to prevent bile from accumulating. Not to mention the daily (or more) cleaning out of the bag... I'm sure Tony will be with us and help us face whatever happens.

Re-reading this post, I guess I'm tired and a little bewildered myself. Hopefully things will go smoothly tomorrow. Say a prayer for Mathieu.

That's it for now. I will keep you posted.

Take good care!

Renée

Home, Sweet New Home!

2008-06-09T00:03:00.003-04:00

We've been busy over the weekend. We've been unpacking and sorting out what should go where and what we need to get to make our new home just right... There are lots of new things to get used to; like a dishwasher - but I think I can handle that! The front loading washer was a bit scary at first, but my sister has one and she came to the rescue. Not so difficult after all - it just looks intimidating. Now I need to unpack a few more boxes; but considering that the movers finished unpacking their truck at 4:30 on Friday afternoon, I figure I'm doing very well. I must admit, however, that I did get a lot of help. Among others, my sisters came in from Ottawa to help, as did our good friend Luce.

Today, Sunday, my sisters had to leave early in the morning to make it back for my niece's violin concert. As for myself, I had to get Mathieu to his soccer practice and ensure that he was set for the soccer association's BBQ. I picked Richard up from his friend's and we headed off to St-Lazare for a football game. Back home after that to find Mathieu, register Richard for the soccer house league, detour via Sports Experts to buy some soccer cleats and chin pads and then off again to Mathieu's football practice. I guess I don't need to tell you that I'm exhausted.

The boys seem quite happy about the new home. I might actually have to equip Mathieu with a GPS system so that I can keep track of him. He's making friends fast and furious and is quite enjoying exploring his new neighbourhood. Although he has sent quite a bit of time here as his best friend and Richard's best friend live right around the corner. This could prove to be very interesting.

Unfortunately, I haven't downloaded any photos yet, but I promise to get around to it in the next few days.

Well! That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

SOLD / VENDU

2008-05-29T21:14:00.002-04:00

Well, it seems all the terms and conditions of the offer have been fulfilled and my house is now sold! As I have already taken possession of my other house (and am renting it to the previous owers), I'm delighted. Now I can go shopping... Well, actually, I should really start packing as we are moving in 8 days! YIKES!!!

Three more days of work and I will be off til school start again. I was just sort of getting back into it and getting my self-confidence back... Oh well! My family needs me and I need them, so that is where I will be.

Mathieu's surgery is scheduled for June 17th, the anniversary of Tony's death. I told Mathieu it was a special day and it meant that Daddy will be there to help him through this. So will I... As promised, I will be sleeping with Mathieu at the hospital. My Mom, family and friends will be holding the fort for me at home.

I'm very lucky to have family and friends that I can rely on. I know Tony has something to do with my good fortune. He is still taking care of us.

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Photos for your viewing pleasure...

2008-05-13T23:39:00.003-04:00

Happy Mothers' Day!

2008-05-11T20:32:00.004-04:00

Sorry folks, I haven't uploaded the software for my new camera yet; so no new photos! Maybe Rich will do it for me tomorrow. Well, a belated Happy Mothers' Day to all you wonderful mothers out there. It can be a thankless job at times, but you wouln't give it up for the world, now would you!...

It's been really busy around here these last few weeks. The real estate agent came by last Friday to take photos of the house and put up the "FOR SALE" sign. That's just so weird. It's like watching somebody else's life through invisible glasses. All sorts of weird thing are going on.

As I was getting the lawn ready for photos, I noticed that, somehow, some of the annual flowers I had on the deck the year before had somehow made their way over the fence and seeded themselves next to the side of the house. There I stood, two days before mother's day, staring at beautiful flowers, which I am sure were Tony's mothers'day gift to me. I broke down and cried - and then I made sure that my friend who was mowing the lawn did not mow them down.

I have an appointment with the notary to sign for my new house next Thursday. Our move-in date is June 6th. WOW!

Last week I got a very special call from Tony's friend and boss, Denis. He called to invite the boys to go to Quebec City with him to see the World Cup of Hockey. Just when I was starting to freak out about dealing with the kids for the weekend and handling the renovations and all... It was like a gift from heaven. Also, when Denis talked to me, he mentioned that all the guys - Tony's work colleagues - had talked about our upcoming move and offered to help. Tony always did look after me... I don't know why I thought he would stop now... It's just weird. And, no, I haven't totally lost my mind. Just partially, and temporarily!

The biggest news is that Mathieu's surgery has been scheduled for June 17th. The one year anniversary of Tony's death. Tony will definitely be there with us that day, and I'm sure he'll be keeping our Mathieu safe! Unfortunately, it is also a week befre the end of Mathieu's school year. Hopefully an end-of-year party will make up for the time he will miss in the last week.

Faced with an overflow of emotions, I have had to scale back my work schedule to three days a week until Mat's surgery. I will be off for the summer to be by his side, and look forward to going back to work full time in September.

I hope you're all keeping well. Drop me a line or two. I'd love hear from you.

Take good care!

Renée

Rain, rain, and more rain...

2008-04-28T23:37:00.003-04:00

Well folks, I sure hope the weather channel is wrong. They're forecasting rain for the whole week, including Saturday and Sunday. While it is helping the leaves grow and making the scenery a bit more green, it is still quite depressing! I suppose it might make it easier to stay inside and do housework... But, unfortunately, rain usually makes me feel like shopping! Yikes! The house is coming along. I actually visited some open houses this weekend in an effort to compare properties and prices for my own lisiting. I guess all the nice houses sold really quickly, because the ones I saw made my house look like a castle. I guess I shouldn't get overly optimistic though. Wouldn't want to be disappointed.

The moving truck has been reserved, and I've rented a storage space to store my stuff and declutter the house - it's not full yet, but it won't be long. I'm still on 3 days/week at work. I should be up to 4 days/week next week and, if all goes well, I will be full time on May 19th. I'm hoping to get to the gym on Wednesday... I really need to... I haven't been since last week. Working really cuts into your free time!!!

I want to wish my father-in-law and my friend Debra a happy belated birthday! And, my congrats to my baby sister who just bought her first house! We'll be christening a few decks this summer, I guess. I spoke to Joe tonight and Ella is still in Washington doing well and recovering from her surgery. She is making good progress.

Rich and I were discussing the possibility of him going to Belfast this summer. We were looking at flights and dates, and it's a definite possibility. We're still waiting on a date for Mathieu's surgery and I've been researching and talking to doctors in an effort to determine what type of surgery would be best for him. I guess avoiding the issue will not make it go away, so I'll simply have to face it and forge ahead. Tony's going to have to help me with this one.

The boys, my sister Michelle and I went to see the Canadiens play the first match of this second series of the playoffs against the Flyers. It was amazing. It went into overtime and Rich, a fervent Leafs' fan, was actually wearing - for the first time ever - a Canadiens' jersey and a smile. I think Michelle has a photo.

There does not seem to be any rhyme or reason to this blog, but these days, my brain is in constant overdrive and there's not much order to my thought process. I suppose I could reorganize the paragraphs to camoufflage this, but you'll have to forgive me, I'm just too tired.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Spring has sprung... and change is in the air

2008-04-20T10:51:00.006-04:00

Call it a bold move, maybe done in large part on a gut feeling, nevertheless, I've gone and done it... I bought a house. I visited one house and just had to have it! It is within walking distance of the boys' schools and close to many good friends. It will make life simpler - and it is newly renovated. Only Richard's room will need to be repainted - it's now lime green!

Purchasing that house was the easy part. The difficult part will be leaving the home that we shared with Tony. I try not to think about that too much. The time will come soon enough. I've hired a friend of mine to help freshen up the house so that it is ready for sale. So far, he's redone the ceilings and repainted the walls in the dining room and living room. He's replaced the light fixtures in the kitchen and the dining room. The kitchen is the biggest eye-sore, so I've ordered a new counter and bought tiles for the floor. Hopefully that will help. I'll be replacing the bedroom doors and the light fixture in my room. My room will also be repainted. I've had a homestager come for a consultation. Her recommendations were all things I had already thought of. I have a lot of decluttering to do. YUK!

I get possession of the new house on my birthday. I wanted to ensure that we were moved in before Mathieu's surgery - the date of which has yet to be determined. It'll will be after the school year. So I will be working until the end of the school year and will then be off until September so that I can be there for Mathieu. I am still on a progressive reinstatement program and am working 3 day a week. I should be full time in May.

Well, I should get back to my decluttering... Lots to do.

Take good care everyone.

Renée

Belated Happy Easter!

2008-03-26T00:03:00.002-04:00

It has been quite busy! Even working just 2 days a week, this week and last... has got me running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Not a pretty picture! The boys are doing okay. Richard took part in the Elite football team tryouts for his league last Friday (4 hours of drills and scrimmage) and then went to his friend's sleepover birthday party. Well, he hasn't been the same since. Saturday, he came home and fell asleep at 6 pm and did not wake up until 9:30 on Sunday morning. Mathieu, on the other hand, has been all hockey and excitement. His team won their semi-final game last night and will be playing in the finals (a best of 3 series) starting next weekend. They will also be participating in a local hockey tournament. Also, I have registered him in a acting workshop starting in mid-April... Hopefully, hockey will be over by then because I think football and soccer will be starting their tryouts. HELP!!!!

My mom had us all over in her new condo for Easter brunch on Sunday. It was great. Luckily, my dad and everyone were very helpful and contributed to the culinary delight. Mom was great! I was lazy... and Richard was not well and stayed home.

My friend Ella had an appointment with Dr Sugarbaker in Washington today, and he has agreed to operate on her during the first week of April; so, next week... Hopefully, the RAMQ will come through for her as the procedure he proposes, the Sugarbaker procedure, is her only hope and is quite expensive.

Well, that's it for now. I'm off work tomorrow, and will hopefully make it to the gym to burn off all the chocolate I've been eating!

Take good care!

Renée

Anneke: I would love to get in touch with you. Please send me your e-mail address via this blog and I will contact you. I will delete your information from the blog as soon as I copy it.

Ola! la!

2008-03-12T00:32:00.007-04:00

Well, we're back! It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and after minor delays (15 hours) due to a snow storm in Canada, we returned from Cuba yesterday, where it was at least 28 degrees everyday, to Montreal where our flip flops were no protection against the -10 degree temperature that greeted us (that's -20 with the windchill).

We truly enjoyed our vacation. We went for a few rides on a catamaran (and I have the largest bruises to prove it), we went pedalboating and swam with the fish, we swam with the dolphins, we ate too much, drank too much and slept too little... Luckily, or not, the resort was quite large, 3 km around - I believe -, so we also got some exercise in spite of ourselves. I tried not to let the fact that I lost my watch and digital camera put too much of a damper on our vacation. I bought a disposal camera and had luckily brought my sports watch to go to the gym (although I did not make it to the gym).

There definitely were moments when Tony was quite present and I could not walk by the spot we sat in throughout our vacation last year without feeling chocked up. One day as we were walking around the pool area, Mathieu noticed a lady reading the March issue of Canadian Living (e-version) and insisted I speak to her to tell that our story and photos appeared in her magazine. She was taken aback. She must've read the article quickly beacause when we walked passed her again she stopped me and told me that she was touched and that her father had also been diagnosed with colon cancer. Fortunately, in his case, it was caught early and he is still living.

It has been a difficult month. A friend of mine and Tony's, a hockey dad we always sat with during Richard's hockey games and practices, passed away on February 19th. We used to share a coffee and a chat and enjoy watching our sons play hockey together. It was sudden and quite a shock. As well, Richard's hockey coache's wife, my friend Ella, was operated for cancer. They could not remove all the cancer and told her that her best chance was a procedure that is only done in the U.S. So far, the Quebec government has refused to agree to pay for the much needed procedure. So, Ella, her husband and friends have started doing some fund raising. For more info see http://www.helpella.com/ .

I will be returning to work gradually as of later this morning. It is quite scary... I'm afraid I just won't remember how to do a thing... On the other hand, I am very much looking forward to seeing all of my friends and coworkers. They're a great bunch.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. I received an e-mail from a lady who's husband has been diagnosed with cancer. She wanted to know how Tony managed to get insurance to travel with a pre-existing condition. I'm sorry to say that we could not get him any insurance. Tony was pretty stable and in between treatments when we travelled both last year and in 2006. He really want to go and create beautiful memories for our children, so we simply went on a wing and a prayer. I apologize that I could not respond to you directly; I did not have your email address.

Happy birthday Mom and Jean!

2008-02-18T00:26:00.006-05:00

Here I am... My head is just spinning. I was just trying to print off some information for Mathieu's surgery. The question is, do we perform an ileoanal or an ileorectal anastomosis? Big words (which I will have to study in depth) and, needless to say, a very big decision. Meanwhile, my friend Ella is out of hospital... I hope you're feeling better and know that you are in my thoughts.

While I look forward to going to Cuba, I am unsure about my return to work. I so want to jump right in and be back to normal but am seriously afraid of falling flat on my face. Mind you, I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday... So maybe a quick visit tomorrow morning will make everything seem brighter and will boost my confidence. (Those darn hormones...)

Mathieu was back on the ice for his first game (since his concussion) last week. He scored a goal and was quite pleased with himself (he's a defenceman). And, I was quite proud of my baby. Richard is still getting physiotherapy (ultrasound treatments) for his knees and hopes to join the tryouts for the league's elite football team when we return from Cuba. As for me, I will be attending my first bereavement support group meeting tomorrow. It will either make me feel better, or make me feel worse. Keep your fingers crossed.

Sunday (the 17th), both my mother and my mother-in-law celebrated their birthday. Although I could not be with them, they were on my mind. Happy birthday Mom! Happy birthday Jean!

Above is a photo of my friend Denise and I out on the town for her 40th. Denise and her family will be in Cuba with us as well... It should be fun.

I hope you all had a nice weekend. That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Cuba!... Here we come!

2008-02-11T23:19:00.000-05:00

Mathieu is back at hockey. Tomorrow, he will be playing his first full game since his concussion. He has been skating and seems much better. Richard started physio last Friday and will be returning to his activities in two weeks or so. And, we will be going to Cuba next month! We will be going to the same resort we were at last year and my mom will accompany me and the boys. It should be a welcome break for all. When we return, I will be going back to work. The time has come... I have to sort it all out with my bosses and HR; they have all been so good to me.

It was bitterly cold here today, so I just can't wait for the sun and beach. I'll need to go shopping because last year's summer clothes probably won't fit. I suppose I'll really only need a swimsuit! Not my favorite thing to shop for...

My mom's all moved in to her new condo. I visited today, and it looks great! Whenever she figures out all those buttons on her stove, we might get an invite for dinner... Congratulations Mom!

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

We're still here...

2008-02-05T22:20:00.000-05:00

Cuba - March 2006

We spent the whole morning at the Children's Hospital. I wonder if they have a frequent visitor card that gives rebates on coffee or something... Mathieu was seeing the neuro psychologist to follow up on this concussion, and Rich was seeing the orthopedist to re-evaluate his knee situation. Next time, I will do two separate trips... They do tend to get each other going; and over three hours in a hospital is just more than I could handle today. I had to come home and have a nap.

On a good note, the doctor recommended ultrasound therapy for Richard's knees. Hopefully that will be helpful. As for Mathieu, he seems to be on the mend - if I can get him to take it easy for another few days. They just don't realize that this is hard on me too because they're just not quite their jolly selves when they don't exercise. I think I'm over-compensating for that at the gym. Monday I jogged 5km, did about 45 min of weights and was on the eliptical trainer for 30 min - mind you, I've been eating like a mad woman since... What's the point? Hopefully tomorrow will be easier - all around!

I was mentioning in my last post that my girlfriend had said that I should dive in and face my grief... Well I have both feet in the wading pool; for some reason I'm afraid to drown if I dive all the way in the big pool. I suppose there must be more than one way of doing this; grieving, I mean? I'll have to discuss this with my therapist. Hopefully, she'll make me feel sane. It would definitely help.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

"Good grief" ...there's an oxymoron

2008-01-31T00:34:00.000-05:00

Cuba - March 2007

As I sat here tonight, feeling a wave of grief wash over me; an unexplainable emptiness and loss, I was trying to figure out (to avoid the pain - I figure) what the heck the expression "good grief" means. How could grief possibly be good? Grief is described as "intense mental anguish; deep remorse; acute sorrow or the like"... What could possibly be good about that?

I spoke to a friend tonight and she agreed that I have been avoiding my grief. I noted that I didn't particularly want to feel all that pain; walk into a burning building, if you will. She said that I should see it more as "diving into a pool to find the key that will open the door to the rest of my life". Her husband noted that I shouldn't dive just yet 'cause the water would probably be frozen... (A little humour!)

Just thinking about all that I have lost is overwhelming. The following insight will give you an idea of just what kind of man Tony was and why I knew he was the man for me. When I first met Tony in 1990, I was a full-time university student, I worked about 35 hours a week and went out every night. He's the only guy in a bar who ever asked if he could talk to me. Also, when he came to visit my apartment, and realized that I had not done my laundry in a while (there were no facilities in the building and I didn't drive), he offered to help. He and I packed up 10 garbage bags of dirty laundry and took it all to a laundromat near his apartment. We (he) washed all of it. He made me promise that I would never let it get so out of hand again; he wouldn't wash 10 bags at a time again... What a guy!

When I was pregnant with Richard and he didn't want to attend the delivery (he would faint just walking into a hospital), I told him I would hold it in until he agreed to accompany me. He was there and was very proud. When they handed him Richard, he walked around the delivery room singing in his Irish - he'd kill me if he read this; so let me rephrase - in his Irish-Canadian voice: " I have a wee son! I have a wee son!" It was one of the most touching moments of my life. When time came for Mathieu, I couldn't have kept him away from the delivery room if I wanted.

Now, you tell me, how can I think of all of that and not feel a terrible loss? What is good about that grief? However, while there is no such thing as "good grief", grief does nevertheless allow us to remember the "good" times and relive pleasant memories. I just wish it wasn't so confusing and painful. Because, at times, it actually is a physical pain; or so it seems...

I'll be back at the gym tomorrow! It can only help...

Take good care!

Renée

One day at a time - in CANADIAN LIVING!!

2008-01-28T20:05:00.000-05:00

Tony and I in September 2006

Well, the March issue of Canadian Living is out on newstands, and our story is in it; black on white! Of course, I read the article a number of times before it was published... But to actually see the finished product and think back on all that has happended over the last three years is strange. It is both therapeutic and sad. As my friend Sandee's blog says "I will survive!".

After Tony passed away, my friend Linda who wrote the article, asked me whether or not I wanted to go through with it. She had been working on it for some time at this point and, as our intent - Tony's and mine - was always to be open and honest about his battle with cancer, I agreed to go ahead with it. We always hoped that by being totally open we might create a greater awareness about colorectal cancer, and maybe - somehow - help patients and their caregivers by simply letting them know that they are not alone. We wanted to help and hopefully make a difference.

Cancer is a long and difficult journey best not travelled alone. We have been truly blessed as our lives have been filled with the love and support of our friends and family. You need only reach out and someone will hold your hand and help you travel through the dark and lonely days. The darkness is fading and will eventually disappear, and we will be left with the wonderful memories of our life together.

I am thankful for the support we've received since Tony's passing. He was such an amazing man that I am convinced that the love and support that has come our way is merely a reflection of the wonderful man that he was. I miss you Tony!

Thanks Linda, and congratulations on the article! I hope you all enjoy it!

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. Jean and Michele, I have a copy for each of you. I will post it soon...

No sports is tough on Mom!

2008-01-23T23:53:00.000-05:00

Mathieu and his friends celebrating his birthday at La Cage aux Sports

Well, both boys are still off their sporting activities. This house has an overload of energy and frustration... Hopefully, things will change for the better real soon. Tomorrow morning (Thurs.), I will be taking Mathieu to the Children's Hospital for a neuro exam to assess whether or not he is ready to return to sports after the concussion he suffered two weeks ago. He has a soccer and a hockey tournament this weekend and he is really hoping to be able to participate. And, I hope so too. As for Richard, he has an appointment at the orthopedic clinic on Feb. 5th and will be out of commission until then as his knees still hurt. He has grown quite a lot over the last year and it has really affected his knees. He's just 1/2 in. shorter than me; and I'm 5'7". I don't want him to stop growing, I just want him to be pain-free.

The results from the capsule endoscopy came back and Mat's small bowel is clear; although there is some swelling at the junction of the small and large bowel (cecum). The Dr. assured me that this was not worrisome as they will be removing that section during the colectomy.

My mom will be retiring on January 31st. She will be 68 on February 17th... I think it's way overdue. Mom, you deserve a break; I hope you can enjoy it! As for me, my doctors have extended my leave until March 10th. Hopefully, by then things will be under control - the house, the boys' health issues, and me.

Look out for the March issue of Canadian Living magazine, our story should appear in it. I believe the March issue should be out in newstands in early February. February is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month.

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Capsule endoscopy

2008-01-18T20:10:00.000-05:00

Well, Mathieu had his capsule endoscopy on Tuesday and managed to swallow the pill (seen in photo above) without any trouble. As a result of the concussion he suffered last Thursday, he has been getting headaches and feeling dizzy most of the week, so we will be consulting the neuro trauma unit at the Children's Hospital next week. They will assess him and determine when he will be ready to resume his sporting activities.

I am getting ready to go back to work. It's quite scary... I'll definitely need to go shopping for some clothes - I have to look at the positive sides to this... And, maybe get a weekend away before I go back; sort of run away from everything for a couple of days. Going back to work will either give me more confidence, or take away what little confidence or sanity I have left. I'll just have to pray for the best and trust that I can do this...

Richard has been resting his knees (no activities) this week. He had a hard time walking after last weekend's tournament. If the rest does not improve his situation, I will need to get him back to the orthopedic clinic and maybe they can suggest some physiotherapy or strengthening exercises that would help.

We will be celebrating Mathieu's birthday with a few friends tomorrow night. I will be taking them out for dinner and they will come back for a sleepover afterwards. Five 10 and 11 year olds in my basement... I don't know why we call them sleepovers; they don't usually get much sleep. God help me! The celebration is a week late, but like they say, better late than never.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

They look like angels when they sleep...

2008-01-13T23:30:00.000-05:00

Well, our visit to the surgeon's was as I would've scripted it. Mathieu will most likely have his surgery at the end of the school year. He has been scheduled for a test this coming Tuesday. It involves swallowing a pill with a camera in it. This little camera will take 60,000 images of his small bowel (and stomach - I believe) and transmit the information to a small computer that will be attached to his belt. I trust that this test will not uncover anything. After this test, he'll just need to do his pre-op and get the date...

As if our lives weren't exciting enough, to spice things up a little, we took a ride in an ambulance on Thursday night. Mathieu was injured during a hockey game and hurt his leg and bumped his head. He couldn't remember whether or not he had had dinner and just wanted to sleep. He says he lost consciousness momentarily after he hit his head. For my part, while we waited nearly an hour for the ambulance to arrive, I very nearly fainted. Not a pleasant experience. We did make it to the hospital and were sent home after x-rays and exams. Mathieu suffered a contusion to his left knee and a concussion. He will be out of commission for a week after he stops getting headaches; cause he's still getting headaches.

Richard's team participated in a hockey tournament in Massena, NY this weekend. They won all three of their round robin games and lost in the finals. Richard's knees are really bothering him. He could barely walk after the finals. When we got home, he too had a headache and was in bed at 8:30. He will also be out of commission for at least a week. After which time, I will most probably be out of my mind (that's assuming I'm not already).

The weekend was nevertheless quite pleasant. Mathieu, my friend Ella, and I enjoyed a ride in a stretch SUV limo and a nice relaxing massage before Richard's evening game on Saturday. After the game, while the boys enjoyed the hotel pool and hot tub, I organized a wine and cheese "get-together" for the hockey team parents. We had some laughs and relaxed.

That's it for now. I hope you all had a pleasant weekend.

Take good care!

Renée

Being a single parent sucks!

2008-01-09T00:10:00.000-05:00

Okay! That's it!... I have to learn how to relax. I went to get a manicure today, and once the parafin was dry and the massage chair stopped I was up and walking around the spa looking for the manicurist saying that I had an appointment in 10 minutes... Which I did, but I'm always late anyways, and so is my therapist. I had gone there to relax and left there more stressed than when I walked in... My French manicure is already ruined... What is wrong with me? I am so busy running away from myself that I constantly overbook my schedule to ensure that I don't get any time to sit and think. Eventually, I imagine, it's going to catch up to me. Whether I like it or not. God help me!

Well, tomorrow's the big meeting with the surgeon. I'm pretty sure I know what he's going to say. However, I'm not sure how Mathieu is going to react. And, I imagine, my reaction to the whole situation will be influenced by the way he deals with it all. He is a brave little soldier, but even the bravest of soldiers get scared. He will be 11 years old on Saturday.

I trust that Tony will help us through this as he has with everything else... Oh! How I wish he was here. Being a single parent in a situation like this really sucks... But, although it is little comfort at a time like this, I know that Tony did everything he could to be here with us as long as he could... and even longer still... I love him for that!

I will keep you posted.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Alexander Ovechkin!!!

2008-01-06T19:34:00.000-05:00

Mathieu and two of his teammates, Brad and Ben, went to a local sports' store today to get NHLer Alexander Ovechkin's signature (see picture above). Mathieu has already asked me how much his signed photo is worth!? What a kid!

Well the new year is here and it would appear as if we have survived yet another milestone. One hurdle over and already another is fast approaching. Wednesday's appointment with the surgeon is making me quite anxious, but I trust that there won't be any surprises. I just hope that hearing what I already know from the surgeon himself won't somehow make it more real or scary.

Mat has a PD day tomorrow and both boys have a game on Tuesday night. At least it won't give me much time to sit around and think... ONE DAY AT A TIME. Sometimes its a very difficult thing to remember; but I must! The return to a semi-normal routine of school and hockey (and the gym) will no doubt help!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. My very best wishes for the new year! Christine & Maya, Congratulations on the new addition to your family. ELLA, you and your family are in my thoughts.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Winter activities...

2007-12-30T22:14:00.000-05:00

Well, yesterday was a fun-filled day. My oncle organized the annual sleigh ride for my mom's side of the family. It was a last minute thing but the boys really enjoyed themselves. There was tubing and a sleigh ride. Unfortunately, the mild weather made it impossible to skate on the outside rink. (Sorry about the photos, I forgot my camera and had to use my cell phone camera...)

Tomorrow I will be ringing in the new year and will say goodbye to 2007 with many mixed emotions. I look forward to 2008 with hope and am determined to make this new year one of personal growth and fulfillment. I wish you all health and happiness.

Take good care and be safe!

Renée

Happy Holidays!

2007-12-25T14:58:00.000-05:00

From my family to yours, happy holidays!

Take good care, and drive safely...

Renée

All aboard!

2007-12-23T23:21:00.000-05:00

Well, the boys were off on the train Friday afternoon. I wasn't quite sure how that was going to go; for them or for me... But I think it was a wise decision. My brother has kept them busy... They went to see the Senators on Saturday and Mathieu and my godson danced their hearts out for the "Fan of the Game" contest and managed to get themselves on the "jumbotronic".

For my part, I let loose on Friday - had dinner out with friends and their family and went out for a bit. Saturday I got some shopping done; it was crazy at the mall. But, under the circumstances, I think I managed quite well; I was still smiling when I came out! I then had dinner at my friend Guylaine's with her family and parents. Today, I did a bit more shopping to even things out and dropped off a few gifts with neighbours and friends. I then enlisted the help of my friend Denise (she actually volunteered) to wrapped some presents. Being around all those happy comfortable families makes me miss the comfort of my own family... as it used to be.

Tomorrow, I'm off to see my family - without Tony. His absence will most certainly be very apparent as he was always the life of the party and could make everyone laugh. It's quite lonely without him - especially tonight.

Tomorrow will be better - the kids will see to that, I'm sure!

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Go! Habs Go!

2007-12-19T00:31:00.001-05:00

Well, I spent a great evening at the Bell Centre with my friend Denise. We went to see the Montreal Canadiens play the Florida Panthers. We lost, but we still had fun - between the crazy guy behind me that kept swearing and shouting for the players to fight... the smelly guy in front of me and the one next to Denise and, not to mention to old guy in front of Denise who grabbed her knee to get up and never even looked back. We had a good laugh! The photo is that of images of former "Greats" being projected onto the ice before game time. It was really neat!

The boys had a Snow Day on Monday but I still managed to make it to the gym. Today, Richard was home sick with a headache. I think there must be some sort of virus going around - it must be the same thing Mat had last week. All this to say, I haven't gotten much shopping done!!! I think it'll be a mad dash on the 22nd and 23rd... The boys are off to Ottawa on Friday. They will be going to see the Senators hockey game on Saturday with my brother while I tie up loose ends. And, to keep things interesting, I've bought tickets to go see Cirque du Soleil between Christmas and New Year's Day. I hope the boys will enjoy it.

I hope you are all keeping well. You sure are a quiet bunch. (Thanks for the comment Amanda!) As Christmas keeps getting closer, I seem to be getting more into the spirit. I think its the best thing for the boys; and it's what Tony would've wanted.

Take good care!

Renée

I think it'll be a white Christmas...

2007-12-16T23:28:00.000-05:00

Well, my friends, it's snowing and it's been snowing all day... Apparently the kids will have yet another snow day tomorrow. I don't think they realize they're cutting into my shopping time... Oh, well! maybe I'll spend less!

I managed to actually put up a Christmas tree this weekend. Mind you, if it hadn't been for the help of my friend Denise, I think it would still be lying in the box... I actually found an old artificial tree that Tony and I use to put up in our apartment on Decarie, before the boys were born - now that's going back a while. Thirteen years or so... But it still looks pretty good, don't you think. Especially with that handsome fellow standing beside it. Yes, that's my baby Mathieu. He'll be 11 next month already. Can you believe it!

It was a busy weekend; as they all seem to be, but, very pleasant. Tony's boss, Denis, met me at Mat's hockey game on Saturday. He brought me Tony's stuff from work and a CD of photos. I don't think Tony could've handpicked a better guy for a boss. In fact, everyone at Enbridge has been very supportive and understanding throughout this whole journey and I would like to thank you all. Tony - or Richard, as you all knew him - was very proud to work for such a wonderful company and with such a great bunch of people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping him through his difficult journey and for being so understanding. You have no idea what it meant to us.

Well, that's it for now... I have to get some sleep because apparently we have a snow day tomorrow and I might just require extra energy to keep these boys busy and out of trouble. I hope I can make it to the gym...

Take good care! And drop me a line. I'd love to hear from you.

Renée

Exercise keeps me sane - I think !

2007-12-12T23:58:00.000-05:00

Mathieu has been off school for two days now. On a positive note, he cleaned his room; which is more than I can say... He still has an itchy rash on his abdomen and complains of a headache... when he remembers. He'll be going to school tomorrow, with a note to call if he's not well. My guess is that he'll forget all about it once he sees all of his friends. Lets keep our fingers crossed.

Christmas is just around the corner and I'm trying to get into the spirit... Without much success. The Holidays have always been a time for family and a large part of my family was Tony. This season makes his absence all that more apparent. There's no running away from it. Although I'm willing to try...

Mathieu didn't want to stay alone today, so I didn't get to go to the gym. However, because I was feeling so blue, I pulled out some of Tony's old weights and did what I could of my program. For cardio, instead of doing my 30 min. on the elliptical trainer I went outside for a 15 min jog. It felt good. Then I shovelled some snow. I didn't feel all bubbly and overjoyed, but I think I would've been a lot more blue without the exercise. I talked to some friends on the phone tonight and that helped too.

One day at a time... I will get through this. Hopefully I will learn whatever lesson it is that I am meant to learn on this journey. Hopefully I will become a better person because of it. My kids deserve at least that much.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Bah hum bug!

2007-12-11T10:29:00.000-05:00

Tony & me at last year's Christmas party

Well, the cleaning lady came by yesterday; bright and early. She's as quick as the Tazmanian devil; but very nice. On 4 hours of sleep, I didn't feel ready for her... But we forged ahead and made some good progress. Now I have about 10 loads of laundry to sort and fold... and make room for. I think I've been indulging in too much shopping therapy lately. She'll be back tomorrow, so I really should be at it again. The toughest part is going through the papers. Yesterday, I came across the notes I took when I booked Tony into the West Island Palliative Care Residence. That slowed me down considerably... and brought all those emotions back in a flash... The gym was good outlet!

After speaking to Rich regarding his less than impressive result on a Math test, he has score 100%, 99% and 100% on his last three tests. I think he really wants to go on the field trip to NY City. Well done Rich! There's nothing wrong with being smart.

Mathieu has had a rash on his abdomen for the last few days. I'm not sure if its contact dermatitis or some other thing, but he was quite itchy at school yesterday so we'll be seeing a doctor this afternoon. Maybe I'm just paranoid? Also, after his hockey practice last night he told me that he too had a headache. He said that when he moved his head everything inside felt like it was moving... As it turns out, he fell and hit his head on ice at school. I checked his pupils before he went to bed last night, and they seem to be dilating fine. What is NORMAL!!!??? Maybe if I tied the boys to the couch we'd have no broken bones, concussions, knee problems... Of course, it would be pretty boring. So, I guess I'll just have to keep at it...

Unfortunately, no matter how fast I run, the Holidays are catching up to me. I've actually ordered some gifts online in the hopes of avoiding to much hands on gift shopping.

That's it for now...

Take good care everyone.

Renée

Fifteen days of shopping left...

2007-12-09T21:53:00.000-05:00

Where does the time go? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am in total denial about the Holidays... I so don't want to live through that... that I have managed to fool myself into almost believing that its not going to happen. Well, I suppose I need to wake up and smell the coffee. The boys are still gonna expect gifts on Christmas morning; whether or not their Dad is there. But, you know, the more people I talk to -as I am coming out of hiding - the more I realize and appreciate how very special Tony really was. Of course, I always thought so, but as I talk to different people I know that I am not simply remembering just the good stuff... He really was that great, and it makes this Season all the more difficult. He is the one who went to buy a tree with the boys and put it up. He and the boys would struggle to untangle the lights and put them up... Also, the only time he ever wanted to go shopping was to go buy the boys' Christmas gifts. He really enjoyed it. I think it made him feel like a kid again - besides what do I know about gifts for boys? I will get through this... I'm sure. But at times, I wish it didn't have to be so difficult. ONE DAY AT A TIME... I must remember!

The photos above are of Richard and his football coach and Mathieu and his football coaches. I attended both Mathieu and Richard's football banquets this weekend. Mathieu was awarded the Offensive MVP trophy, while Richard - who was sidelined half the season with his broken wrist - got a special mention from the coach. It was a busy weekend - two hockey games, three hockey practices and two football banquets. I have a cleaning lady coming in tomorrow and I'm not quite ready for her... Oh well! I suppose I should go clear up a few things so she can actually clean the house.

I hope you are all keeping well. Feel free to drop me a line.

Take good care!

Renée

Snow Day!!!

2007-12-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

Tony sent me a nice surprise for our 14th wedding anniversary... A snow storm! I got to spend the day with my boys rather than alone! It was a blessing in disguise. Also, last night, as I cried myself to sleep I was reading one of the books I bought to help me deal with my grief and came across an interesting passage. It read: "...we need to stay open and present in the face of grief and allow the emptiness to simply be. If we fill it with our pain, there won't be room for anything else." It's a tall order but it seems to make sense somehow.

I realized today that Richard needs some kind of routine and stability; a home cooked meal every now and then. He was thankful when I actually took out a recipe book and made an alfredo sauce for his pasta. I realized then that I really have to make an effort to be more like I used to be... even though that might require quite a bit of energy and effort. As for Mathieu, I have to keep at him to pick up after himself, something that I haven't really been doing and that is really getting his older brother upset. Rich is just like his Dad. He likes things just a certain way... We'll get it right eventually. I'm determined!

Back to the gym tomorrow. I had to cancel my session today because of the snow. Hopefully, my trainer won't be too tough on me!

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

I will love you always...

2007-12-02T20:36:00.000-05:00

Friday was a very difficult day. Luckily, I had the support of good friends. Between the children fighting with each other and with me, my visit to the cemetary and our approaching anniversary, I wasn't at my best. I'm still working on it...ONE DAY AT A TIME!

The plaque on Tony's pedastal was installed a few weeks ago and its beautiful. When I went to place a wreath on it with my friend Guylaine, there was a fox walking across his plot and it came to within 10 feet of us before a car drove by and scared it away. He was beautiful and made me think of Tony.

After yesterday's hockey practice, Richard's knee was sore, so he was sidelined for his hockey game today. Mathieu's team went back to St-Pierre-les-Becquets for their tournament and won their game on Saturday but lost in the finale this afternoon. I am very thankful to my brother for having taken him there... It was just a bit more than I could handle this weekend.

Back to the gym tomorrow... Pretty soon, you'll not recognize me! Ah! Ah!

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

A better day...

2007-11-29T00:33:00.001-05:00

Well, yesterday did improve after I went out and actually jogged for 15 minutes straight... That's a first for me... at least in my adult life! Today, I had an appointment with my personal trainer and with my therapist, so I'm feeling much better. My therapist actually told me that I could pass for 30 something... Of course, I have to keep in mind that I pay the woman; but still! I choose to believe that she was being honest. So, don't anyone burst my bubble!

Richard's knee seems a bit better. He stayed on the bench for his basketball game and hockey practice yesterday. I think that helped. Mathieu is looking forward to the second half of his hockey tournament in St-Pierre-les-Becquets this weekend; and, I'm pretty happy as well... My dear brother has agreed to take him! What a gem he is; and Mathieu's really happy about it as well. You can't beat that. I think the adult male company will do him a world of good.

I hate to admit it, but other than doing some laundry, the dishes, preparing a meal and moving a few piles of paper around, the house is still pretty much a mess. I think I'll need to call in professional help. Who am I kidding... When it comes to cleaning, I'm just an amateur, and this situation requires a professional...

I bumped into a colleague from work and a soccer-mom at the mall this afternoon. It was very nice seeing them. People have been so kind and considerate to me... It's heartwarming. I miss work but I'm afraid my brain is still not quite ready to handle any additional stress or any type of continued activity requiring concentration or focus. I do hope to see my colleagues before the holidays, maybe for lunch?

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

A grey day...

2007-11-27T10:42:00.000-05:00

It's very grey and heavy today, and that's exactly the way I feel. I don't know if it's our upcoming anniversary or Christmas or both, but I would run away if I could. Luckily, I'll be quite busy after lunch. For now, I should be busy cleaning and doing laundry; but I'm procrastinating. I've started cleaning three rooms at the same time. I guess I have to focus - not my strong point right now, though!

Richard's knee hurts again. He was limping this morning. I think its a mix of growth spurt and too much jumping at basketball practice that has aggravated his condition (Osgood-Schlatter Disease). I really can't wait for 2007 to be over!

On the other hand, Mathieu's IBS is acting up. It think its nerves and excitement; between the possible surgery, the hockey tournament, the soccer game he might miss because of hockey, his dad... And, he doesn't want to talk about it or see the therapist... It's doing a number on his gut.

Well, I think I should do something to kick this doom and gloom. I don't really have time for the gym, so I might just try to go outside and see if I can jog for a few minutes... Fresh air might be just what the doctor ordered. The mess will be there when I come back in... If not, maybe a quick trip to the mall (ha!).

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Hockey, hockey, and more hockey...

2007-11-26T10:42:00.000-05:00

Well the weekend was busy. I did manage to get to the gym on Friday; and I'm very glad I did. The boys were off school so Mathieu came with me and hooked up with a gang in the gym to play basketball. The only thing is, now he wants to go everyday!

Saturday, Sylvie, Tristan, Renée-Anne, Francis, Mathieu and myself made our way to St-Pierre-les-Becquets for a hockey tournament. We were booked into a hotel for the night and the boys were just bursting with energy and excitement. For most of them, I think it was their first away tournament. They lost their game on Saturday and won on Sunday... Which means the team has to go back next Saturday for a game at 4:40pm. It's about 2 hours and 15 minutes away; if there's not too much traffic, construction, snow, etc. I'm still working on getting out of that one. I'm not sure if Mat will go without me, or if I'll feel comfortable sending him without me. Ah! The joys of being a hockey mom! We did have fun; but there's only so much to see in St-Pierre-les-Becquets. (Above is a photo of Coach Dave with some of the boys from Mathieu's team - having dinner in a fancy restaurant!!!)

Rich stayed with his buddy Andrew, and by the looks of him yesterday, I don't think they did much sleeping. Teenagers... He will be lacing up his skates tonight for a practice; keep your fingers crossed.

We have an appointment booked to see a surgeon regarding Mathieu's surgery on January 9th. Until then, I'll try not to think about it too much; other than maybe draw up a list of questions so that we don't forget anything. I might also get back in touch with the Familial GI Cancer Registry at Mount Sinai. The lady was trying to find a Buddy for Mathieu; a boy who has gone through the same thing and could possible chat with Mathieu and answer some of his questions...

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Snow, snow, go away...

2007-11-22T23:18:00.000-05:00

It's way too early for this kind of weather. I am, however, grateful that the boys had school today, in spite of the weather; snow, rain, rain pellets... We saw just about every sort of precipitation possible. And, let me tell you... I'm not a fan! Cuba sounds pretty good right about now!

I had parent-teacher interviews today - for both boys... And, all things considered, I'm pretty happy! They are both doing well. Of course, we'll require a few adjustments, but they are on the right course for a successful school year. It's not all that obvious; and I'm very proud of them. Their Dad would be proud too!

We have an appointment booked with the surgeon for January 9th. We have to draw up a list of questions for him. Most importantly, Mathieu wants to ensure that any surgery will not interfere with his football or hockey season. I tell you, my son sure has his priorities straight!...

Next week, Richard should be lacing up his skates for the first time this season. He will just skate around for the first few practices as it is only 5 weeks since his cast came off and they said 6 weeks. I think the games will become more interesting for me once he's on the ice; no offense to the rest of the team!!!

Well, that's it for now... Have a great weekend!

Take good care!

Renée

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

2007-11-19T21:31:00.000-05:00

I woke up in a cold house to a call from Mathieu's gastroenterologist who had the pathology results from last week's colonoscopy. Just as was the case last year, the biopsy showed adenomatous change and some signs of dysplasia. Again, it shouldn't have been a surprise... but I had - willingly, I guess - chosen to forget about it. We had talked about surgery last year. However, because Tony was still in treatment, we thought that having one family member at the hospital at a time was probably all we could handle. Of course, they had assured us that we were not putting Mathieu at risk - in any way... Well, the Dr. will be scheduling a small bowel series as well as a consultation with a surgeon within the next 2 months. It looks like I'll be getting to know my way around the Children's Hospital a lot better in the near future.... I have to remember - ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!! And, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

It took about 10 calls before I found someone who agreed to come fix my heating system. They will be by tomorrow morning. So, its really cold here! I did manage to get to the gym; even though I didn't feel like it. I knew it would make me feel better... and it did! I've fallen behind in the house work, though... and my day is completely booked tomorrow. The good thing is I won't have time to think of anything but what I should be doing next. For now, that's probably a good thing.

Well, enough rambling... Tomorrow is another day and it should be better! I'm convinced!

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Sunny Sunday

2007-11-18T22:39:00.000-05:00

It was sunny and very cold today. And, as my heating system is on the fritz, we can feel the chill even in the house. I have had the oven on most of day today. I will have to call a repairman tomorrow. Our heating system is hot-water-electric and the motor will start and stop immediately - constantly. I went down to check and didn't like the smell so I turned it off. I figured I would wait until Monday to call so as not to get charged double time for a weekend call. Thank goodness for downfilled comforters.

I seriously feel like I've taken a step back in my healing process over the last week. I think that Mathieu's visits to the hospital brought me back to a place I didn't necessarily want to go just yet. However, I would do anything to ensure that he remains healthy - even if that means having surgery this summer and me going a little batty yet again. I didn't get much sleep last night, so I'm sure that that is making everything more difficult and dark today. I will go to bed shortly and I will try to counter all of the negativity with a visit to the GYM tomorrow morning!!! and maybe the pool!!!

When we were driving home from the hospital last Tuesday, Mathieu heard an ad on the radio for open auditions and asked me to call to get him an audition. So, I did. And we went Saturday morning and back again today. He is all keen on becoming an actor. Well, if this will make him happy and get him focusing on something other than all the unpleasantness we will most likely have to deal with in the next year or so; why not. So, I'm looking into getting him some acting lessons. It's all about articulating, projecting your voice, your poise, public speaking, etc. Things that will serve him whatever his chosen career may be in the future.

We spoke to my in-laws this morning and I took photos of the boys while they were on the phone with their grand-parents. Richard was just up... as you can see. I think it was just a little after noon! Teenagers...

Well that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

One day at a time - Take three

2007-11-14T23:19:00.000-05:00

Well, I allowed myself 24 h of self-pity. Now we're done! Mathieu went to school late this morning; after I fed him bacon and eggs. I met with my trainer and am determined to become a "skinny bi#$%". By the way she was helping me stretch, apparently, she is also convinced that I will become a pretzel...

After the gym, I met with my friend Linda and we went for a walk by the lake. Our walk was quite brisk as it was very windy. All of this was very therapeutic. There's jut something about water and the sky... I ended the afternoon with a bit of shopping therapy (I'm really gonna have to stop that) and a visit to my therapist who, thankfully, makes me feel almost normal. Apparently, I am not insane or too neurotic. Well, that's good news. Isn't it? Especially for those boys of mine.

My friend Sandee includes something that she is thankful for in everyone of her blog entries. I think its always good to keep things in perspective and take the good with the bad. But, when things are difficult it is particularly helpful to stop and remember and be thankful for what we do have or have had.

So, today I am thankful for having known true love, trust, selflessness, devotion, happiness, optimism, laughter and hope. I lived and felt all of these things because I was married to a wonderful man. Tony, wherever you are, please know that I will always love you and I will always be thankful to you for giving me two wonderful boys and for making me a better person. Rest in peace... You certainly deserve it.

That's all for now.

Goodnight! and take good care.

Renée

P.S. Richard played his first basketball of the season today and they won 91 to 33. BRAVO!

The day is almost over...

2007-11-13T23:09:00.000-05:00

We were back at the hospital today for Mathieu's endoscopy and colonoscopy. I don't know what I was expecting; I don't think I'd really stopped to think about it... Other than to hope they didn't want to perform a colectomy in the very near future. I knew there would be more polyps; and there were. Mathieu was quiet before the procedure. He managed to guilt my Mom into giving him $25. He was working on me to get me to buy him an XBox 360. Well, I haven't bought one yet. He was very brave and strong and did not complain; except for the fact that he wasn't allowed to eat anything he wanted this evening. He wanted to take the day off school tomorrow so he could eat all day - play catch up, if you'd like. Nevertheless, he will be going to school; probably a bit late - after a large breakfast.. but he will be going!

Unfortunately, the prep was not 100% and the doctor did not get a totally clear view. She said she counted 26 and that there could reasonably be another 10 polyps that she counldn't see. That is double last year's number. I asked if that meant that there could be another 18 next year, or worse if it could possible double again to reach 72??? She says there is no clear answer for that. She will be booking us an appointment with a surgeon to discuss the possibilities and the timing for surgery. She says that they usually suggest doing it before adolescence! Mathieu will be 11 in January. If we want to do this in the summer so that he doesn't have to (possibly) attend school with a temporary colostomy bag, that only gives us two options.

OKAY!!!! I need to remember.... One day at a time. Being able to share this burden with Tony would certainly make this much easier. But I guess I'll just have to deal with it... and remember to do it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Keep busy, keep active, get fit. And, in spite of everything, try to keep sane. That last one might be a tall order... I'll keep you posted! I'm sure Tony would say, "We have to keep things normal for the kids...". And so I will try!

Richard is on the mend. He did the dry land training with his hockey team tonight and practiced with his basketball team yesterday.

Tomorrow is another day! That's it for now...

Take good care everyone.

Renée

Brave but stubborn...

2007-11-12T23:45:00.000-05:00

After one day on a liquid diet (Sunday), today was clear liquids only for Mathieu... and medicine. The only problem was, Mathieu did not want to drink the magic potion. I had him speak to the nurse who told him that if he didn't drink the stuff, they would have to put a tube down his nose to his stomach and infuse the medicine directly to his stomach via his nose. Well, believe it or not, he chose the nose tube rather than drinking two glasses of orangy liquid!!!

I was upset at first. I actually thought that he would change his mind once we got to the hospital and we would not be able to have him prepped in time for his colonoscopy which is scheduled for tomorrow - Tuesday. Well, he was good to his word. Even while the nurse was putting the tube in his nose, he still insisted that it was better than having to drink that stuff. Go figure... I, on the other hand, could have done without those five hours in the hospital watching liquid drip into a loved one of mine. Déjà vu. Been there, done that... Need I say more! But, he was a real trooper.

Let just hope that tomorrow's scope is just as smooth...

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Brave little man

2007-11-08T00:51:00.000-05:00

The 13th is getting closer, and I'm getting a bit more fidgetty. I'm hoping that the forces that be will be kind enough not to test our strength just yet. I know the day will come when Mathieu will need a colectomy (have his colon removed), but I don't think I could handle it just yet... We'll just have to wait and see what happens Tuesday - ONE DAY AT A TIME! It's difficult to remember at times.

Mathieu was off school with a sore throat yesterday. I took him for a strep test, just in case. It hurt when he swallowed... And, because he will be under for his procedure, I wanted to ensure that he was okay. Well, the quick test was negative and we're waiting on the longer test to confirm this. He is still coughing quite a bit, so I will call the nurse Thursday or Friday to make sure I don't make him do a 48-hour prep for no reason...

This afternoon Mathieu and I went to the Children's Hospital for his pre-op tests. Although he hates getting blood tests, he was very brave. Unlike last year when I had to hold him down, there was no struggling or kicking this time around. I am very thankful for that.

Richard has been invited to try out for his football league's Elite team. They will practice from February on and will participate in a provincial tournament in July. Congratulations Rich! I'm sure your Dad would be very proud of you.

Thanks for your comments. A few people asked how I manage to do everything... I don't. The house is a mess. But, there's food, clean clothes and some clean dishes... Unfortunately, there are always a few dirty dishes in the sink. Those two boys of mine eat constantly...

Well, that's it for now. Let me know who's out there; send me a comment. I'd love to hear from you.

Take good care!

Renée

Funny kind of day

2007-11-05T20:22:00.000-05:00

It's been a funny kind of day... I woke up to a sunny morning and was quite positive and optimistic, but as the clouds rolled in, my mood got darker... It's probably just lack of sleep. That, or the 12 min. on the eliptical trainer at the gym... Just kidding!

I met with my new personal trainer this morning. Wouldn't you know it, Mary is from Belfast; and her husband is actually from Glengormley (that's where Tony's parents live - I think). That's got to be a sign.

Mathieu has his colonoscopy booked for next week - the 13th. The nurse and I have been playing telephone tag all day. It looks like he will be on clear liquids for 48 hours; my poor baby! We still have to go in for pre-op apparently. So it'll be a busy week. Between the pre-op, the bank, the psychologist, a visit to Hawkesbury, an appointment with my new personal trainer and Richard's PD day on Friday, my agenda is pretty full - and that's not even taking into account the hockey games and practices - or the laundry, groceries, dishes and shopping therapy!

I stopped by the cemetary today and visited Tony's pedastal. I find it difficult to think that that piece of stone is where he is. I just don't feel it! I feel closer to Tony when I look up at the sky... I miss him terribly and trust that he is resting in peace.

Well, enough rambling... That's it for now.

Take good care! And send me some messages... I know you're out there!

Renée

Another nice day...

2007-11-04T00:43:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, just taking the time to admire the sun set can bring a smile to your face. When I look at the sky I think of Tony...

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

A quick visit with Dad

2007-11-01T20:46:00.000-04:00

Mathieu had a PD day today. Those teachers are so smart. Who'd want to be in a classroom full of kids who've had too little sleep and too much candy? The down side to that, is that the parents are the ones to suffer... Well, I can't complain too much. Mathieu was pretty good, considering.

I had made plans for the day. I figured if we had a specific plan to focus on, things might be a little bit easier. We went to Hawkesbury to have lunch with my Dad. It was short, but sweet... Looking forward to some extra sleep tomorrow morning before I tackle a week's worth of laundry and a very messy house.

TGIF everyone!

That's it for now...

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. I have an appointment with a personal trainer on Monday. Watch out health fanatics, here I come....

Trick or Treat...

2007-10-31T23:34:00.000-04:00

Richard's friend Andrew

Me and the boys

Richard

Mathieu

Mathieu's friend Tristan with his dad Shawn

It was a good day and a good Halloween night. I went for walk and then lunch with my friend Linda. This evening I went over to my friend Sylvie's, Andrew and Tristan's mom, and gave out candy with her. The weather was so pleasant we were actually sitting outside sipping wine and giving out candy. We even managed to scare a few kids...

It's all good. One day at a time does the trick - I just need to remember that!

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Give me strength...

2007-10-31T00:45:00.000-04:00

I want to run... I want to jump out of my skin... Shop til I drop. Anything to avoid feeling this hollowness inside. I don't want to know that he's not coming back. But, no matter what I do to try to escape or avoid the fact, it remains the truth. So, rather than do anything counterproductive, my therapist suggested I really make an effort to channel my energy into something positive that will help; so tonight I bought us a family membership at a health club. I do have the best of intentions. Let's just hope that after taking every last bit of energy I had to survive the last two and half years, I can find the courage and strength to start over and take care of myself this time so that I can be a better mother and a better person. Just thinking about it has me exhausted... and scared to death!

I'm sure a good night's sleep will do wonders for me. Please send positive vibes my way. I could sure use them.

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. I'll be fine; don't worry!

The cast is OFF!

2007-10-27T23:13:00.000-04:00

Yes! folks, the cast came off yesterday... Bad news is Rich cannot return to his activities just yet. The Doc said up to 6 more weeks of physio. We'll see how it goes. We'll take it one day at a time.

The weather was certainly grey today. Luckily I was able to keep busy with the boys activities. Mathieu had a game and a practice, while Rich's team played tonight. It was a successful day for both teams. YEAH!!!!!

I'm hoping tomorrow will be sunny and bright. It might help lift my mood, I feel very lonely... even in a room full of people. What's up with that? Tony always knew how to fill the void and make me feel better; make me feel loved, special. A simple look did the trick. I really miss that and his big hugs.

So off I go to finish the dishes...YUCK! and then to bed as we have an early game tomorrow. Someone do a little sun dance for me, will you?

That's it for now.

Take good care.

Renée

P.S. The helicopter photos should be coming shortly.

Flowery Fall

2007-10-22T20:38:00.001-04:00

The weather is just beutiful for the end of October. Flowers are actually still coming up in the middle of fallen leaves. They're the bulbs that my father-in-law planted last spring. We didn't think we'd see any flowers this year as none came out during the summer...

I raked the leaves this afternoon and when I asked Mathieu to help me bag them, he thought it was much more fun to play in them... I'd rather he play with leaves than watch TV, so the leaves have yet to be bagged. I hope it doesn't rain tonight or tomorrow!

I am happy to report that football season, playoffs and all, is officially over. Thank goodness for that. School and hockey will keep us all busy enough. Hopefully, Richard will be on the ice within the next two weeks. He should get his cast off on Friday and maybe some physio.... I can't wait; and, needless to say, neither can he! In the meantime, he is attending practices and games to feel like part of the team.

Thanks to everyone who sent comments. Don't be shy; keep them coming!

That's it for now...

Take good care!

Renée

Surprise! Surprise!

2007-10-15T10:37:00.000-04:00

Well, the regular football season is over. Richard's team qualified for the playoffs. But we're still unsure whether or not Richard will get to play... It depends on how long they keep playing. Richard's cast should come off on the 26th and he'll probably have a week or two of physio, so... who knows. The hockey season is in full swing. Richard was drafted by his coach from last year and Mathieu's coach used to work with Tony when Rich was a baby. They both have their best friend on their team, so that'll make it easier. Richard's team lost both games this weekend, while Mathieu's team won theirs and he got player of the game.... BRAVO Mathieu!

Thanksgiving was different this year, but we got through it. Greg outdid himself again. Turkey, ham, and all the trimmings, and then some. Everyone was in fine form and the boys really enjoyed going to Ottawa to see their cousins.

Last Tuesday was a PD day for the boys and I had a surprise for them. Back in June or July, Tony's boss had spoken to me about taking the boys up on the company's helicopter. Of course, the batteries in my camera were dead, so I didn't get any shots with it. However, the pilot let me borrow his and he will be e-mailing me the photos. I will post them eventually, if they're any good. We took a ride over Montreal island and saw a bit of the South Shore. It was really nice! I accompanied the boys and did my best not to squeal (from fright) too much as we turned and were practically sideways; you see, we were wearing mics and earphones and everyone would have heard me loud and clear... the pilot included.

I must say, Tony's employer has been great. I want to thank Denis and Dean for their kindness and thoughtfulness. You are true gentlemen. Merci beaucoup!

Well, the dishes are calling me.

Take good care!

Renée

(p.s. don't be afraid to send your comments - it gets pretty lonely over here!)

My little old lady

2007-10-03T13:36:00.000-04:00

Well, the sun is shining and the temperature is above seasonal... There's something for which to be thankful. The boys can be a handful but they are most certainly a blessing.

Yesterday, I was caught off-guard when one of our neighbours from down the street stopped and asked about Tony because he hadn't seen him in a while. I was dumb struck and could only manage to say "He passed away on Father's Day", and waived as I went into the house. I really didn't mean to be rude, but I didn't know what to say. I guess that was bound to happen, and might happen again... Hopefully, I will be stronger next time.

Last weekend, Mathieu insisted on shopping for Halloween costumes. And so we did... He makes a lovely little old lady, doesn't he?

This coming weekend is our Thanksgiving in Canada. It will be another first without Tony, and I'm hoping that the fact that it will not be at our house, as it has been for a number of years now, will make it easier. The boys are looking forward to it.

As you can see, we're doing okay. I still miss him every day and its still surreal that he will never be here again with us physically. He was such a presence... I try to think of what he would tell me right now, and all I can imagine is "we have to keep life as normal as possible for the boys". And so I shall!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Take good care!

Renée

You gotta love 'em...

2007-09-24T17:40:00.001-04:00

Well, I hate to admit it, but I was glad for the weekend to be over. Those boys can be a lot of work! I think I just don't have the energy or patience I used to have. Hopefully, that's just temporary. Otherwise, I'll need full-time help!

I'm still on a rollercoaster ride, emotionally. Up and down, and you just never know when a mood is gonna hit. I guess I'll have to be patient and ride it out. But, I hate feeling less than normal! It sucks! And, I've come to realize that pre-teens and teens are not so big on compassion! I guess I'll have to get used to that too. It's all about them. But, you gotta love 'em. They're my reason for getting up in the morning. Too bad they don't become normal until their twenties. I really wish Tony was here.

Anyways, I'm back at the children's hospital with Richard on Thursday to have his wrist and cast checked out. Hopefully all is well and he will be able to return to his activities real soooooon! And blow off some of that excess energy... in a positive manner.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Terry Fox Walk in Memory of Tony

2007-09-17T22:14:00.000-04:00

We were over thirty strong wearing our special Tony t-shirt and walking in memory of our Tony. The sun was out and the sky was blue... it was perfect. I must admit that I was a bit relunctant to see so many people... gathered in memory of Tony. These days, when I don't feel strong, or feel I can't even fake a smile, I usually retreat to my home and stay away from people. I'm really glad I didn't on Sunday. Although I wasn't quite myself; and I probably won't be for a while, I was there and I did it - "one step at a time".

Thanks to the whole Enbridge team and their families for participating. A special thanks to Denis, Todd and Mario... "Richard" would have been extremely touched by all the attention and effort you put into the event. You're a great team and "Richard" always enjoyed going to work... I can see why!

Michele, my sister-in-law, told me that the memorial service in Belfast went very well and that many people attended. Although the boys and I could not be there, I did wake up at 6 a.m. and looked at my alarm clock and thought of you all. I was touched when Michele told me that there were over 150 people in attendance. Thank you...

The boys are doing well. We were back at the hospital for Richard's wrist this morning. I was thankful that they did not need to reset it. We have to go back next week for a follow-up. And, this evening, Mathieu played what was his last soccer game of the season. Now we move on to hockey... not to mention football that is still in full swing. Of course, in between all these games and practices, we have to squeeze in school days and homework. No rest for the wicked!

That's it for now...

Take good care!

Renée

When it's not one thing... it's another

2007-09-13T23:25:00.000-04:00

Well, all I can say is "It could've been a lot worse!". On the one night I had a sitter take the boys to their football practice so I could go to the meeting at Mathieu's school, Richard's coach calls me on my cell... Richard was injured during practice. Luckily, I had a sitter for Mathieu while I took Rich to the emergency. He has a broken wrist. Considering he injured himself at football practice, I figure we're lucky... Of course, it would've been much better if it hadn't happened; but what are you gonna do? He's a teenage boy... Enough said!

As most of you already know, my in-laws are holding a memorial service for Tony in Belfast this Saturday. My heart and thoughts are with them... Going through that once was difficult enough; I can't imagine having to do it over. I will be thinking of you... and Tony...

On Sunday, Enbridge has organised a team for the Terry Fox Run in memory of Richard (aka Tony). The boys and I will be there along with a few friends and family, and of course, the Enbridge team. It will be an emotional weekend.

I stopped by my work today and was very saddened to learn that a close colleague is leaving the company. Didier is one of those "perle rare". He is a kind and gentle man with the heart of a giant. His understanding and compassion, not to mention his medical background, truly helped me get through some very difficult times. His door was always open and he always took the time to answer all my questions and managed to alleviate my fears. Merci beaucoup Didier! All the best in your new position.

Well, that's it for now!

Take good care...

Renée

Touchdown Saturday

2007-09-02T00:23:00.000-04:00

Mathieu started his football "career" today and scored his first touchdown. And, just a bit earlier in the day, at a not too distance field, his brother had scored the winning touchdown for his team. I'm very proud! And, very busy taxiing my little players around... But, that's a good thing; for now! Today, I was thankful that my brother came down from Ottawa with his family for a visit. His laid back attitude is very calming.

I still have many ups and downs. At times, I try to go to the store incognito, for fear that I will run into someone that I know and start crying if they ask how I'm doing. Decisions are very difficult to make... and sleep is not always easy. But, I am getting better. I've started going for walks; and it is helping.

For those of you who are not aware, Enbridge, Tony's employer, has put together a team for the Terry Fox Run in memory of Tony. Everyone is welcome to participate or donate (to the Enbridge Team). They will be participating in the Run in Pointe-Claire from 10am to 12noon on Sunday, September 16th. For more info, please see http://www.terryfoxrun.org/english/terry%20fox%20run/default.asp?s=1.

Well, that's it for now. Take good care everyone!

Renée

Still here...

2007-08-20T18:49:00.000-04:00

We took a trip to the ocean to scatter some of Tony's ashes in the ocean. Tony used to love the ocean... So, I chartered a boat and, with my sisters and our families and friend Luce, we did as he had requested. Wouldn't you know it, as soon as the ashes were scattered, a big dark cloud appeared and rained on us until we returned to port. Tears from heaven, I guess...

I still have my ups and downs and find it very difficult to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. Dealing with all the necessary paperwork is proving to be a challenge. I have to pace myself and be patient.

The boys start school next week so we are busy getting ready for that... and hockey season!

Well, that's it for now. Take good care!

Renée

Fun-filled Weekend

2007-08-07T11:03:00.000-04:00

Well, the boys had a fun-filled weekend... We visited my aunt at her cottage and they swam in the Rouge River as the rafters went past. They slept under a tent on the beach, they learnt a new card game, they met and threw a football with a former national kick-boxing champion; and that was just Saturday. On Sunday we paid my Dad a short visit and then stopped in at my cousin's. The boys were out on her boat tubing... They even tried water-skiing, but didn't manage to get up on the skies. It probably would've been more fun if their nervous Mom hadn't been on the quay constantly asking "Is he okay?". They wound it down with a bit of fishing and then we ordered pizza, ate and made our way home - exhausted...

Yesterday, Mathieu started his day camp; it's a nature camp and they get to learn about and feed all sorts of animals. Of course, he didn't want to go on Monday morning, but when I picked him up he said it was really "cool!". Thank goodness for that!

Tony is forever on my mind. Last week Mathieu and I visited the cemetery because I had to approve the draft of the plaque that is being made for his pedastal. Mathieu then asked to go visit his Dad; so we did. It was sad. We cleaned his pedastal with "Wet Ones" I had in the car and shed a few tears. I miss him terribly but I have to remember not to let myself be engulfed in those sad thoughts. I have to be thankful to have known such a wonderful man.

Well,that's it for now! I have to go do the dishes (at times like these, I really miss my mother-in-law...).

Take good care!

Renée

Nine games in eight days... and counting

2007-07-31T21:26:00.000-04:00

Well Mathieu's tournament went well. Except for the weather... It was pouring rain on Friday and over 30 degrees with the humidity on both Saturday and Sunday. The team finished 2nd out of 6 teams in the round robin but ran out of steam for the playoffs. They worked really hard and should be congratulated for their efforts. The photo shows Mathieu after their loss in the consolation game of the playoffs. He played so well that the parents from the opposing team came over after the game to tell him what a great goalie he is... It was exhausting! And, fun...

Today, Rich got the okay to got back to his sports activities. Thank goodness for that! He can blow off some steam and hopefully regain his sunny disposition; or maybe that's gone because he's now a teenager?! We'll have to wait and see...

I'm am getting more sleep and feeling better. I'm doing my best to remember to be positive; i.e. the glass is half full and that first half tasted delicious! I know it sounds a bit over the top, but it helps! Tony and I loved each other... The reason I miss him is because he was so great... That's better than if I didn't miss and was happy he was gone. I have some great memories and I still feel his love. And, most importantly, I have our children which are a joy every day - sometimes a handful as well... They keep me busy and focused - well, as focused as I can be at this time.

That's it for now. Take good care !

Renée

I'm still here...

2007-07-25T13:43:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm still here; and it's not any easier than it was a week ago. In fact, I think it's getting more difficult. I look at Tony's photo and still feel like he'll be coming home anytime now...

When he was sick, the disease invaded our lives in a more gradual way; he looked so healthy for so long. I think I managed pretty well and almost normally throughout most of it. Right up until the last month, we had hope that he might outlive the statistics. Death, however, is more like being hit by a Mac truck. It's like I was in an accident and have been heavily sedated for over a month (which I haven't - by the way). Now, it feels like I'm gradually being weaned off the drugs and I'm starting to feel everything. It really sucks. Don't worry... I am seeking professional help.

To keep my mind occupied, I am taking care of business: the bank, the insurance companies, the government agencies, the notary, accountants, etc. Other than that, we're dogsitting Pheobe and Mathieu has six soccer games this week (that includes three tournament games on Saturday). Let's hope it doesn't rain all weekend!

That's it for now. Take good care everyone.

Renée

P.S. I think those holes in the backyard were made by a groundhound. There used to be a tree there and it was after whatever was left of the roots... I think!

I want the auto-pilot back...

2007-07-15T19:41:00.000-04:00

It's not getting easier... and I can't google this to make sense out of it, or anticipate how I will feel in an hour or a day. I actually have to wing it... It can be pure hell at times. I think I like the "automatic pilot" state much better. Also, while having to deal with the bank, the insurance companies and various government agencies does offer some weird type of diversion, it is - quite frankly - very annoying.

The kids went away this weekend; so I had to call in the troops from Ottawa because I couldn't face being alone. Lucky for me... they didn't let me down; as always, they were there for me. We had a pleasant time. We went out for dinner with our good friend Luce; she's always a hoot! Thanks for being there for me.

I just brought out the garbage bins and noticed that some creature has been playing havoc with my lawn in the back yard. I'm not sure what kind of creature... Squirrel, ground hog, raccoon, skunk... It's silly things like this that make me miss Tony even more. He would know just what to do. I'm just afraid there might be a skunk hidding in there. Well, I will observe it until tomorrow and then have a closer look. Maybe with the help of a neighbour - as reinforcement. That's if Mathieu doesn't notice it first... God help us!

Well that's it for now. Take good care.

Renée

P.S. MAUREEN - My thoughts are with you.

As days turn into nights and back into days...

2007-07-08T12:04:00.000-04:00

As more and more days turn into night and back into days, it is slowly sinking in that Tony is not coming back. His physical absence is leaving quite a gap and I can only think of it for very short periods at a time; otherwise I would be useless for my boys... And, they need me. I probably need them more, but, let's just say for now that we need each other.

All the visitors have come and gone but the cards keep arriving. It is so nice that so many people care enough to let us know that they care - in whatever way...

Over the next little while, the boys and I will try to keep busy and possibly try to find some interesting "make work projects". Keeping focused on something specific and manual helps.

For those of you who worried about me because, as I said, I was on "automatic pilot" throughout the visitation and memorial service, please don't worry and remember that, in a strange way, I have been mourning for a long time. It will be a long process, I'm afraid; and a personal one.

That's it for now. Take good care!

Renée

Still numb...

2007-06-29T22:18:00.000-04:00

Well, I don't think reality has really hit me yet... I'm still in a daze and I suppose I will be for some time yet. Hopefully the sorrow and sadness will only come out in small bursts and not be too paralyzing. Right now, I think I'm sort of numb. And I suppose that's a blessing, in some ways...

The cards, messages, comments, food and notes I have received since Tony's passing have been quite overwhelming. Tony was not only a great father and husband, he was also a great son, brother, brother-in-law, son-in-law, friend, neighbour, coach, co-worker, employee,... And what's so wonderful, is that I'm not the only who thought so... It was no secret; he was just a wonderful man.

Accepting and living with the fact that he is no longer here, will take some time... And while I will keep posting on the blog, for now, my postings will more than likely be more sporatic. I hope you will understand and keep in touch.

Happy Canada Day! And, take good care!

Renée

Remember

2007-06-24T14:40:00.000-04:00

The week before Tony passed away, I had talked to the boys to prepare them... and encouraged them to show their Daddy how much they love him. Immediately after this conversation, once the tears had been wiped away, Richard got on the computer and put together this poem and photo for his Dad. He read it to Tony that night and Tony asked him to put it in his top drawer with all of his important papers...

Remember all the great moments together

I love you with all my heart

Crying is how I demonstrate my love for you

Happiness we had

Always on my mind, forever in my heart

Relive it all over again, is what I would do if I could

Dad, you are the greatest

xox- I love you dad

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. We're doing fine... for now.

One minute at a time...

2007-06-20T00:12:00.000-04:00

Still pretty much in a daze, but I wanted everyone to know that we will be holding a reception at the Sarto Desnoyers Community Centre in Dorval on Thursday, June 21st after the Memorial Service (approx. 4:30). This reception is intended to be a celebration of Tony's life. He actually wanted a Mexican themed party, but we'll save that for later on...

Tony's obituary appeared in today's Gazette and will also appear in tomorrow's edition (Wednesday).

Thanks for all your support. Take good care!

Renée

Gone but not forgotten

2007-06-17T18:59:00.000-04:00

I'm in a daze... It has been a very long and difficult day marking the end of a long and courageous battle fought by a man like no other, my husband, Richard Anthony (Tony) Rafter. Tony died peacefully in his sleep by my side this morning. He did it his way. In his home, surrounded by his loved ones.

I apologize to all the friends and family that we weren't able to contact directly. I realize that this blog might not be the best way to learn of Tony's passing.

I have reproduced below the obituary that will appear in the Montreal Gazette tomorrow.

RAFTER, Richard Anthony (Tony)

Passed away peacefully in his sleep after a courageous battle at the age of 41. Beloved husband of Renée Desjardins-Rafter, cherished father of Richard and Mathieu, loving son of Richard and Jean, wonderful brother to Michele (Peter) and Sara (deceased), dear son-in-law of Jean Desjardins and Suzanne Montpetit, close brother-in-law to Pierre (Marie-France), Nicole (Greg), and Michelle, and much loved uncle to Luke and Sara, Benoit, Scott and Annie. Sadly missed by all his family and friends in Canada and Northern Ireland.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Hope and Cope and to the Jewish General Hospital Foundation.

The visitation will be held at Rideau Funeral Home, 4275, boul. des Sources, D.D.O., Qc (514) 685-3344 on Wednesday, June 20th, 2007 from 6:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Memorial Service will also be held at Rideau on Thursday, June 21st, 2007 at 3:00 p.m. with visitation commencing at 2:30 p.m.

We will be organizing a reception, probably in Dorval, after the Memorial Service. Details will follow.

Take good care!

Renée

Having a nightmare and can't wake up!

2007-06-15T00:07:00.000-04:00

Well, the much awaited air conditioning unit we had installed last week is on the fritz. Needless to say, with a forecast of 34 degrees (with the humidex), I have been on the phone with Sears on a number of occasions over the last two days. A technician has been by twice, but I'm told that the part is back-ordered for two weeks. I told them to "fix it now, replace it now, or take it away!" I guess I'll be on the phone again tomorrow.

A community nurse (NOVA) will be by to assess Tony tomorrow and see about getting him into a palliative care residence. A social worker will accompany her and they will see how best to help. Tony has not eaten any solids in at least two days and has been quite confused. His words are jumbled and his hands have a slight tremor. Last night he told the boys he needed to "have a shower and change country". I feel like I'm having a nightmare and I can't wake up...

I'm glad that my sister-in-law, Michele, and Tony's best buddy, Kevin, are coming into town tomorrow. I'm also very thankful that my brother-in-law, Greg, has been able to be with us this week. To Guylaine, Linda T. and Sylvie, thank you for your kindness and generosity. To my Onco team at Novartis, thank you for your continued support.

I will leave you on this note... Take good care!

Renée

Thankful for pain medication

2007-06-13T06:31:00.000-04:00

I don't know what to say, except to tell you that things are not getting better. Tony's liver function is rapidly deteriorating and as the doctor told him yesterday, he is officially jaundiced. They considered keeping him in the hospital, but then sent us home, because this is where Tony would rather be.

We can be thankful that his pain seems to be under control. However, as a result of the medication - I believe - he is becoming more confused. There is not much else to say at this point... I know that most of you will not know what to say; and don't worry. You need not say anything. I know that you are all thinking of us, and I thank you!

Take good care!

Renée

No pain... lots of sleep

2007-06-11T23:09:00.000-04:00

Well, things are pretty much the same. On the bright side, Tony is not in any pain. He still has no appetite, but is drinking Boost and getting some calories and nutrients. We will visit his nurse at the hospital tomorrow for blood tests. Hopefully, this will not be too long or exhausting for him.

Richard (Jr) had his x-ray this morning, but we won't know anything for a few days. He went to watch his soccer team play tonight. I think they won 10-0. Mathieu spent the day with his friend and came home for dinner. They're both at school tomorrow.

That's it for now. Take good care!

Renée

P.S. Can't wait for Tony's sister to arrive... She'll be here Friday!

P.P.S. Must remember to take some photos of something interesting tomorrow to liven up this blog...

No better, no worse

2007-06-10T22:26:00.000-04:00

Well, the good news is things are no worse than they were last week. The bad news is that things aren't any better either. Tony slept through the weekend and ate very little. Thank god for the meal replacement drinks; at 360 calories a pop, they're keeping him well nurished.

Mathieu has a PD day tomorrow and will hopefully be able to visit and play with a friend as I have to take Richard for an X-ray of his knee. He hurt it in football and aggravated the injury in soccer last week. The anti-inflammatories are helping but the doctor wants to play it safe. So, it'll be a quiet week for Richard (and myself) who will be sidelined for at least 7 days.

That's it for now. Take good care!

Renée

No chemo today...

2007-06-07T20:54:00.001-04:00

Well, I'm afraid there wasn't much good news to be had today. Except, maybe for Tony, that there was no treatment. The oncologist sent him for a chest X-ray. Apparently, the reason why he has been getting short of breath - cause he's gradually been getting short of breath... - is because his liver is inflammed and pressing up against his lungs. The oncologist prescribed a patch for pain so as to decrease the amount of morphine he is presently taking. So we'll give that a try.

Next week we have a ct-scan scheduled and his case should be presented at the Tumour Board on Friday... But I'm getting ahead of myself again. For now, we will manage the pain. And, hopefully, next week, they will come up with a plan.

Tony's sister is thinking of coming for a visit. It will be nice to see her again and enjoy her company. I'm sure Tony will appreciate it as well.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Mister golden sun, please shine down on me!

2007-06-06T23:29:00.000-04:00

Today was petty much the same - except for the fact that we had the A/C installed in the house. We're ready for the heat; now all we need is for the sun to cooperate and we can take full advantage of our new unit!

This evening I tried to help Mathieu with a school project; there was bribery involved... And, I watched the last portion of Richard's football practice. I started watching the Senators, but - sorry Marie! - it was pretty much hopeless. The only consolation, from what Richard tells me, is that Anaheim is the NHL team with the most Canadian players! I knew there had to be a reason why they were soooo good!!!!

Anyhow, tomorrow we're back at the hospital for an appointment with the Oncologist to evaluate where we're at... Keep your fingers and toes crossed!

That's it for now. Take good care!

Renée

Looking for sunshine and brighter days...

2007-06-05T22:28:00.000-04:00

Today was a repeat of yesterday with the added bonus of a fever of 38.1. I'm hoping it will not go any higher... otherwise we're off to the hospital. At last check it had gone down to 38.0, so I think we're in the clear. Tony spent all day in bed and woke only to eat; but didn't have much of an appetite. His abdominal distention and pain is still present although the morphine is helping - we just have to take an extra pill every day.

I'd like to thank everyone for their kind birthday wishes today. I was quite overwhelmed by all the calls, comments and e-mails. But I'm hoping to postpone my birthday dinner celebration so that we can all enjoy it.

Tomorrow the A/C is being installed. It will be welcome, as would a little bit of sun...

That's all for now. Send some positive vibes our way; it can only help!

Take good care!

Renée

Eating and sleeping, eating and sleeping, eating and sleeping...

2007-06-04T23:13:00.000-04:00

Well, Monday has come and is almost gone, and, for Tony (aka Richard), it was pretty much the same as Saturday and Sunday. He slept the days away, waking only to eat. We expected this to happen because he got his chemo on Thursday. However, I suppose I was hoping it might be a bit better because of the Morphine. So far, Tony has experienced some unpleasant side effects from the Morphine such as sweating, lack of appetite, fatigue, nightmares, confusion, and wicked thirst. BUT, there is no more pain! Thank God for that! Actually, Tony was just up briefly and watched the second half of the third period of the hockey game with me. Hopefully, this is a sign of better things to come as the week progresses.

I spent a good part of the evening at Richard's football practice. Thankfully, it only started raining as they were done. It's nice to get out and concentrate on something different; and I think the boys appreciate my presence.

Well, that's it for now... Take good care!

Renée

P.S. Tony says: "I hate chemo, and I hate cancer!"

How do you spell relief ? M-O-R-P-H-I-N-E

2007-06-01T23:26:00.001-04:00

You never know how bad or debilitating pain can be until you find some relief. Tony was up and around today. He came with me to pick up the kids and we treated ourselves to a milkshake. This evening, he sat and enjoyed a chat with his boss. Small things, you might think; but they're things he couldn't have done yesterday. I am very thankful for these moments of normalcy.

I had lunch with my friend and former colleague, Linda, today. She has been such a tremendous emotional support to me throughout this whole journey. Thank you Linda! I know I'm a bit neurotic... But believe it or not, I would be even more so if you hadn't been there for me over the last two and a half years. You are a great friend ;)

I wish you all a wonderful weekend. Take good care!

Renée

"One day at a time" - TAKE TWO

2007-05-31T22:58:00.000-04:00

I really have to work hard to remember that life is best lived "one day at a time". Anything more can be quite overwhelming. Well, today was not at all what we expected... The distended abdomen is not caused by ascites; as we found out when the oncologist did a paracentesis. There was no liquid to drain. The ultrasound that followed only confirmed this. What, then, is causing this swollen belly? Well, your guess is as good as mine.

For the time being, we are looking at controlling the pain so that Tony will hopefully be able to stay up for more than 5 minutes at a time. He has been in bed for more than 22 hours a day in recent days because sitting or standing is too uncomfortable; even eating has been causing him pain. What makes this a bit scary is that to control the pain Tony was prescribed MORPHINE. If it can improve Tony's (and our family's) qualify of life, I say "get over it - and - bring it on!". There is no need to live with pain. I (and Tony, I think), just have to get over the fact that it's "MORPHINE".

On a positive note, we ran into Dawn, a former colleague of Tony's, at the hospital today. She and her husband stopped by to chat when they realised Tony was in for treatment. Dawn is also a cancer patient and has lived - I'm sure - through her own hell because of this disease. I must say that today, she looked SO GOOD; and healthy! We hadn't seen her in months and it's like she's got a new lease on life! Very uplifting thing to see at a time when we were both feeling pretty down... Thanks for coming by to see us!

Mathieu had a soccer game tonight, and I wouldn't be much of a mother if I didn't brag that my goalie son got a shut-out! They won by a score of 2-0. Félicitations Mathieu!

That's it for now! Please send positive fibes our way....

Take good care!

Renée