Still here...

We took a trip to the ocean to scatter some of Tony's ashes in the ocean. Tony used to love the ocean... So, I chartered a boat and, with my sisters and our families and friend Luce, we did as he had requested. Wouldn't you know it, as soon as the ashes were scattered, a big dark cloud appeared and rained on us until we returned to port. Tears from heaven, I guess...











I still have my ups and downs and find it very difficult to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. Dealing with all the necessary paperwork is proving to be a challenge. I have to pace myself and be patient.

The boys start school next week so we are busy getting ready for that... and hockey season!

Well, that's it for now. Take good care!

Renée

Fun-filled Weekend

Well, the boys had a fun-filled weekend... We visited my aunt at her cottage and they swam in the Rouge River as the rafters went past. They slept under a tent on the beach, they learnt a new card game, they met and threw a football with a former national kick-boxing champion; and that was just Saturday. On Sunday we paid my Dad a short visit and then stopped in at my cousin's. The boys were out on her boat tubing... They even tried water-skiing, but didn't manage to get up on the skies. It probably would've been more fun if their nervous Mom hadn't been on the quay constantly asking "Is he okay?". They wound it down with a bit of fishing and then we ordered pizza, ate and made our way home - exhausted...

Yesterday, Mathieu started his day camp; it's a nature camp and they get to learn about and feed all sorts of animals. Of course, he didn't want to go on Monday morning, but when I picked him up he said it was really "cool!". Thank goodness for that!

Tony is forever on my mind. Last week Mathieu and I visited the cemetery because I had to approve the draft of the plaque that is being made for his pedastal. Mathieu then asked to go visit his Dad; so we did. It was sad. We cleaned his pedastal with "Wet Ones" I had in the car and shed a few tears. I miss him terribly but I have to remember not to let myself be engulfed in those sad thoughts. I have to be thankful to have known such a wonderful man.

Well,that's it for now! I have to go do the dishes (at times like these, I really miss my mother-in-law...).

Take good care!

Renée

Nine games in eight days... and counting

Well Mathieu's tournament went well. Except for the weather... It was pouring rain on Friday and over 30 degrees with the humidity on both Saturday and Sunday. The team finished 2nd out of 6 teams in the round robin but ran out of steam for the playoffs. They worked really hard and should be congratulated for their efforts. The photo shows Mathieu after their loss in the consolation game of the playoffs. He played so well that the parents from the opposing team came over after the game to tell him what a great goalie he is... It was exhausting! And, fun...

Today, Rich got the okay to got back to his sports activities. Thank goodness for that! He can blow off some steam and hopefully regain his sunny disposition; or maybe that's gone because he's now a teenager?! We'll have to wait and see...

I'm am getting more sleep and feeling better. I'm doing my best to remember to be positive; i.e. the glass is half full and that first half tasted delicious! I know it sounds a bit over the top, but it helps! Tony and I loved each other... The reason I miss him is because he was so great... That's better than if I didn't miss and was happy he was gone. I have some great memories and I still feel his love. And, most importantly, I have our children which are a joy every day - sometimes a handful as well... They keep me busy and focused - well, as focused as I can be at this time.

That's it for now. Take good care !

Renée

I'm still here...

Well, I'm still here; and it's not any easier than it was a week ago. In fact, I think it's getting more difficult. I look at Tony's photo and still feel like he'll be coming home anytime now...

When he was sick, the disease invaded our lives in a more gradual way; he looked so healthy for so long. I think I managed pretty well and almost normally throughout most of it. Right up until the last month, we had hope that he might outlive the statistics. Death, however, is more like being hit by a Mac truck. It's like I was in an accident and have been heavily sedated for over a month (which I haven't - by the way). Now, it feels like I'm gradually being weaned off the drugs and I'm starting to feel everything. It really sucks. Don't worry... I am seeking professional help.

To keep my mind occupied, I am taking care of business: the bank, the insurance companies, the government agencies, the notary, accountants, etc. Other than that, we're dogsitting Pheobe and Mathieu has six soccer games this week (that includes three tournament games on Saturday). Let's hope it doesn't rain all weekend!

That's it for now. Take good care everyone.

Renée

P.S. I think those holes in the backyard were made by a groundhound. There used to be a tree there and it was after whatever was left of the roots... I think!

I want the auto-pilot back...

It's not getting easier... and I can't google this to make sense out of it, or anticipate how I will feel in an hour or a day. I actually have to wing it... It can be pure hell at times. I think I like the "automatic pilot" state much better. Also, while having to deal with the bank, the insurance companies and various government agencies does offer some weird type of diversion, it is - quite frankly - very annoying.

The kids went away this weekend; so I had to call in the troops from Ottawa because I couldn't face being alone. Lucky for me... they didn't let me down; as always, they were there for me. We had a pleasant time. We went out for dinner with our good friend Luce; she's always a hoot! Thanks for being there for me.

I just brought out the garbage bins and noticed that some creature has been playing havoc with my lawn in the back yard. I'm not sure what kind of creature... Squirrel, ground hog, raccoon, skunk... It's silly things like this that make me miss Tony even more. He would know just what to do. I'm just afraid there might be a skunk hidding in there. Well, I will observe it until tomorrow and then have a closer look. Maybe with the help of a neighbour - as reinforcement. That's if Mathieu doesn't notice it first... God help us!

Well that's it for now. Take good care.

Renée

P.S. MAUREEN - My thoughts are with you.

As days turn into nights and back into days...

As more and more days turn into night and back into days, it is slowly sinking in that Tony is not coming back. His physical absence is leaving quite a gap and I can only think of it for very short periods at a time; otherwise I would be useless for my boys... And, they need me. I probably need them more, but, let's just say for now that we need each other.

All the visitors have come and gone but the cards keep arriving. It is so nice that so many people care enough to let us know that they care - in whatever way...

Over the next little while, the boys and I will try to keep busy and possibly try to find some interesting "make work projects". Keeping focused on something specific and manual helps.

For those of you who worried about me because, as I said, I was on "automatic pilot" throughout the visitation and memorial service, please don't worry and remember that, in a strange way, I have been mourning for a long time. It will be a long process, I'm afraid; and a personal one.

That's it for now. Take good care!

Renée

Still numb...

Well, I don't think reality has really hit me yet... I'm still in a daze and I suppose I will be for some time yet. Hopefully the sorrow and sadness will only come out in small bursts and not be too paralyzing. Right now, I think I'm sort of numb. And I suppose that's a blessing, in some ways...

The cards, messages, comments, food and notes I have received since Tony's passing have been quite overwhelming. Tony was not only a great father and husband, he was also a great son, brother, brother-in-law, son-in-law, friend, neighbour, coach, co-worker, employee,... And what's so wonderful, is that I'm not the only who thought so... It was no secret; he was just a wonderful man.

Accepting and living with the fact that he is no longer here, will take some time... And while I will keep posting on the blog, for now, my postings will more than likely be more sporatic. I hope you will understand and keep in touch.

Happy Canada Day! And, take good care!

Renée