Happy birthday Mom and Jean!

Here I am... My head is just spinning. I was just trying to print off some information for Mathieu's surgery. The question is, do we perform an ileoanal or an ileorectal anastomosis? Big words (which I will have to study in depth) and, needless to say, a very big decision. Meanwhile, my friend Ella is out of hospital... I hope you're feeling better and know that you are in my thoughts.

While I look forward to going to Cuba, I am unsure about my return to work. I so want to jump right in and be back to normal but am seriously afraid of falling flat on my face. Mind you, I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday... So maybe a quick visit tomorrow morning will make everything seem brighter and will boost my confidence. (Those darn hormones...)

Mathieu was back on the ice for his first game (since his concussion) last week. He scored a goal and was quite pleased with himself (he's a defenceman). And, I was quite proud of my baby. Richard is still getting physiotherapy (ultrasound treatments) for his knees and hopes to join the tryouts for the league's elite football team when we return from Cuba. As for me, I will be attending my first bereavement support group meeting tomorrow. It will either make me feel better, or make me feel worse. Keep your fingers crossed.

Sunday (the 17th), both my mother and my mother-in-law celebrated their birthday. Although I could not be with them, they were on my mind. Happy birthday Mom! Happy birthday Jean!

Above is a photo of my friend Denise and I out on the town for her 40th. Denise and her family will be in Cuba with us as well... It should be fun.

I hope you all had a nice weekend. That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Cuba!... Here we come!

Mathieu is back at hockey. Tomorrow, he will be playing his first full game since his concussion. He has been skating and seems much better. Richard started physio last Friday and will be returning to his activities in two weeks or so. And, we will be going to Cuba next month! We will be going to the same resort we were at last year and my mom will accompany me and the boys. It should be a welcome break for all. When we return, I will be going back to work. The time has come... I have to sort it all out with my bosses and HR; they have all been so good to me.

It was bitterly cold here today, so I just can't wait for the sun and beach. I'll need to go shopping because last year's summer clothes probably won't fit. I suppose I'll really only need a swimsuit! Not my favorite thing to shop for...

My mom's all moved in to her new condo. I visited today, and it looks great! Whenever she figures out all those buttons on her stove, we might get an invite for dinner... Congratulations Mom!

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

We're still here...

Cuba - March 2006

We spent the whole morning at the Children's Hospital. I wonder if they have a frequent visitor card that gives rebates on coffee or something... Mathieu was seeing the neuro psychologist to follow up on this concussion, and Rich was seeing the orthopedist to re-evaluate his knee situation. Next time, I will do two separate trips... They do tend to get each other going; and over three hours in a hospital is just more than I could handle today. I had to come home and have a nap.

On a good note, the doctor recommended ultrasound therapy for Richard's knees. Hopefully that will be helpful. As for Mathieu, he seems to be on the mend - if I can get him to take it easy for another few days. They just don't realize that this is hard on me too because they're just not quite their jolly selves when they don't exercise. I think I'm over-compensating for that at the gym. Monday I jogged 5km, did about 45 min of weights and was on the eliptical trainer for 30 min - mind you, I've been eating like a mad woman since... What's the point? Hopefully tomorrow will be easier - all around!

I was mentioning in my last post that my girlfriend had said that I should dive in and face my grief... Well I have both feet in the wading pool; for some reason I'm afraid to drown if I dive all the way in the big pool. I suppose there must be more than one way of doing this; grieving, I mean? I'll have to discuss this with my therapist. Hopefully, she'll make me feel sane. It would definitely help.

That's it for now.


Take good care!


Renée

"Good grief" ...there's an oxymoron

Cuba - March 2007

As I sat here tonight, feeling a wave of grief wash over me; an unexplainable emptiness and loss, I was trying to figure out (to avoid the pain - I figure) what the heck the expression "good grief" means. How could grief possibly be good? Grief is described as "intense mental anguish; deep remorse; acute sorrow or the like"... What could possibly be good about that?

I spoke to a friend tonight and she agreed that I have been avoiding my grief. I noted that I didn't particularly want to feel all that pain; walk into a burning building, if you will. She said that I should see it more as "diving into a pool to find the key that will open the door to the rest of my life". Her husband noted that I shouldn't dive just yet 'cause the water would probably be frozen... (A little humour!)

Just thinking about all that I have lost is overwhelming. The following insight will give you an idea of just what kind of man Tony was and why I knew he was the man for me. When I first met Tony in 1990, I was a full-time university student, I worked about 35 hours a week and went out every night. He's the only guy in a bar who ever asked if he could talk to me. Also, when he came to visit my apartment, and realized that I had not done my laundry in a while (there were no facilities in the building and I didn't drive), he offered to help. He and I packed up 10 garbage bags of dirty laundry and took it all to a laundromat near his apartment. We (he) washed all of it. He made me promise that I would never let it get so out of hand again; he wouldn't wash 10 bags at a time again... What a guy!

When I was pregnant with Richard and he didn't want to attend the delivery (he would faint just walking into a hospital), I told him I would hold it in until he agreed to accompany me. He was there and was very proud. When they handed him Richard, he walked around the delivery room singing in his Irish - he'd kill me if he read this; so let me rephrase - in his Irish-Canadian voice: " I have a wee son! I have a wee son!" It was one of the most touching moments of my life. When time came for Mathieu, I couldn't have kept him away from the delivery room if I wanted.

Now, you tell me, how can I think of all of that and not feel a terrible loss? What is good about that grief? However, while there is no such thing as "good grief", grief does nevertheless allow us to remember the "good" times and relive pleasant memories. I just wish it wasn't so confusing and painful. Because, at times, it actually is a physical pain; or so it seems...

I'll be back at the gym tomorrow! It can only help...

Take good care!

Renée

One day at a time - in CANADIAN LIVING!!

Tony and I in September 2006

Well, the March issue of Canadian Living is out on newstands, and our story is in it; black on white! Of course, I read the article a number of times before it was published... But to actually see the finished product and think back on all that has happended over the last three years is strange. It is both therapeutic and sad. As my friend Sandee's blog says "I will survive!".

After Tony passed away, my friend Linda who wrote the article, asked me whether or not I wanted to go through with it. She had been working on it for some time at this point and, as our intent - Tony's and mine - was always to be open and honest about his battle with cancer, I agreed to go ahead with it. We always hoped that by being totally open we might create a greater awareness about colorectal cancer, and maybe - somehow - help patients and their caregivers by simply letting them know that they are not alone. We wanted to help and hopefully make a difference.

Cancer is a long and difficult journey best not travelled alone. We have been truly blessed as our lives have been filled with the love and support of our friends and family. You need only reach out and someone will hold your hand and help you travel through the dark and lonely days. The darkness is fading and will eventually disappear, and we will be left with the wonderful memories of our life together.

I am thankful for the support we've received since Tony's passing. He was such an amazing man that I am convinced that the love and support that has come our way is merely a reflection of the wonderful man that he was. I miss you Tony!

Thanks Linda, and congratulations on the article! I hope you all enjoy it!

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

P.S. Jean and Michele, I have a copy for each of you. I will post it soon...

No sports is tough on Mom!

Mathieu and his friends celebrating his birthday at La Cage aux Sports

Well, both boys are still off their sporting activities. This house has an overload of energy and frustration... Hopefully, things will change for the better real soon. Tomorrow morning (Thurs.), I will be taking Mathieu to the Children's Hospital for a neuro exam to assess whether or not he is ready to return to sports after the concussion he suffered two weeks ago. He has a soccer and a hockey tournament this weekend and he is really hoping to be able to participate. And, I hope so too. As for Richard, he has an appointment at the orthopedic clinic on Feb. 5th and will be out of commission until then as his knees still hurt. He has grown quite a lot over the last year and it has really affected his knees. He's just 1/2 in. shorter than me; and I'm 5'7". I don't want him to stop growing, I just want him to be pain-free.

The results from the capsule endoscopy came back and Mat's small bowel is clear; although there is some swelling at the junction of the small and large bowel (cecum). The Dr. assured me that this was not worrisome as they will be removing that section during the colectomy.

My mom will be retiring on January 31st. She will be 68 on February 17th... I think it's way overdue. Mom, you deserve a break; I hope you can enjoy it! As for me, my doctors have extended my leave until March 10th. Hopefully, by then things will be under control - the house, the boys' health issues, and me.

Look out for the March issue of Canadian Living magazine, our story should appear in it. I believe the March issue should be out in newstands in early February. February is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month.

Well, that's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée

Capsule endoscopy

Well, Mathieu had his capsule endoscopy on Tuesday and managed to swallow the pill (seen in photo above) without any trouble. As a result of the concussion he suffered last Thursday, he has been getting headaches and feeling dizzy most of the week, so we will be consulting the neuro trauma unit at the Children's Hospital next week. They will assess him and determine when he will be ready to resume his sporting activities.

I am getting ready to go back to work. It's quite scary... I'll definitely need to go shopping for some clothes - I have to look at the positive sides to this... And, maybe get a weekend away before I go back; sort of run away from everything for a couple of days. Going back to work will either give me more confidence, or take away what little confidence or sanity I have left. I'll just have to pray for the best and trust that I can do this...

Richard has been resting his knees (no activities) this week. He had a hard time walking after last weekend's tournament. If the rest does not improve his situation, I will need to get him back to the orthopedic clinic and maybe they can suggest some physiotherapy or strengthening exercises that would help.

We will be celebrating Mathieu's birthday with a few friends tomorrow night. I will be taking them out for dinner and they will come back for a sleepover afterwards. Five 10 and 11 year olds in my basement... I don't know why we call them sleepovers; they don't usually get much sleep. God help me! The celebration is a week late, but like they say, better late than never.

That's it for now.

Take good care!

Renée